Nomen Est Omen

Chunks Of Brain

So I do this thing where I decide, upon observation, that I would like to write about a subject so I carry a little note book around with me to jot down reminders throughout the day. Without it I will forget absolutely everything I wanted to talk about within 2 hours.

Well today I lost my little notebook. What the hell do I carry around with me to remember that?

I'm getting old people....seriously..today I went to get a copy of a key made and bought one of those little keychains that looks like a bracelet so you can wear your keys? Yah, I have one of those now. So that my keys are on my wrist at all times. Because I like to put something down and promptly forget where I put it. Cause I'm special.

Let's see here.....yesterday....was it yesterday? Yes, yesterday I went and got my car windows tinted. Nothing special or out of the ordinary happened, I just am happy as shit that I got that done because it cools the car off by eleventybillion degrees and that's really needed here not only cause it's boiling, inferno hot here, my car a/c doesn't work too well. I will get it fixed but if it's a condensor or a compressor or something or other "expensiveor", it may be awhile. Hopefully it's just the fan.

And like, my car looks even cooler now cause I'm all about having a cool ass looking car. Remember? I'm special? Someday, I'm going to a custom shop and turning into a real car geek. And you thought that shit was just for boys. PAH!

Ooh! I have a really cool neighbor now! Out with the assholes and in with the cool chick! And guys? If you saw her? You would DIE! She's gorgeous. Doesn't do a thing for me but she is a knockout. She's thin, beautiful, Russian, (Ukranian actually), very nice, friendly, smart and she's NOT loud! AND? She doesn't just throw her unwanted furniture on the balcony.

Ok, let me 'splain something Lucy: The old neighbors had the one apartment that had sliding glass doors to a nice patio that looked out over the bay. Did they appreciate this? No! They chose to make it look like the set of Sanford and Son and you could see their balcony and all their crap from the street. Real nice. Pair that with the crack whore monkeys (aka children) who live downstairs, not looking so cool here. But they left and she moved in and the kids have been relatively quiet lately so things are looking up. Oh and guys? No, you can't be my friend just so you can come over and hopefully see her. Asses!

I just discovered that this building does indeed have a washer and dryer. For far cheaper than the laundromat I've been taking my things to because the apartment finding agency is full of idiots and did not know there was one here. I've had a key to it this entire time and had no clue what it was for. I discovered it while coming back from the store last night, walking to the back of the building, in the dark, and having another neighbor just appear out of nowhere right before my eyes! Long story short, fuck the laundromat kids! Woohoo!

Now if I could just get a permanent parking space my life would be perfect.

There was something else I wanted to write about, ask, inquire, get opinions on but since I can't find my notebook, I don't know what it was. I will remember in approximately three hours after midnight but it's pointless to come on here and write it out because I'll have built it up so much that it may be disheartening when you discover it was just some menail, every day observation that probably only played around in my mind and then you would stop visiting because you would think I'm weird and I would find myself writing to myself and why would anyone ask themselves a question if they don't know the answer or wanted different opinions, thus I would then think maybe I shouldn't bother with observations or questions or inquiries and become an empty shell of a human and do you really want that to happen? Do you? Well?

I better not be writing to myself already. Hello?

Back To The Serious For A Second

NASA Decides After The Fact

Uh...ya think?

As I stated in my "Glitches" post, why don't they fix this shit before the astronauts get shot off into space? I stated I was concerned about this one, sure as shit, more foam goes flinging itself off the craft and now they decide, "Gee, maybe we should rethink this."

So far nothing has happened...let's just hope to God that nothing bad happens on re-entry.

Hmm. Guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out...perhaps I should get a job there. I seem to be ahead of them in the game.

Anyhoo, back to my celebrating.

Maybe I'm On To Something

It turns out that my little water trick worked out really well. I've been chosen.

Also? I had another interview with someone else and I had forgotten to spit my gum out before it began. I tucked it to the roof of my mouth but somewhere in the answering phase, it came crashing down and I could no longer hide the fact that I was chewing gum during the interview.

Got that one too.

HAHA!

I just moved here and went from no job, being turned down by every person who took one look at me to having two lined up that I really want and now I have to make the decision; which one to take.

I know which one I'm going to take but that was after spending a week analyzing the crap out of them both just in case I got both, as I did, and I feel bad that I have to tell the one "No" because I think this would have been the coolest boss in the entire world to work for. That was a big pro on the "Pros and Cons" list I had going on but in the end, the water trick job is the one I have decided on.

I'm kinda laughing that I got in that situation after doors slamming in my face for a month and a half but that's the way it goes. What I do know is that I will finally sleep very, very, very well this weekend.

Oh, and since this job starts the day before my birthday, I'm going to go out and get myself a congratulatory/birthday gift and get my windows tinted. You cannot live here and have non tinted windows. You will die.

So, the lesson boys and girls is this: During the interview, to get a leg up over the rest of the competition, do something that is embarrassing and get those sympathy points. It also helps if you chew gum in front of them because it shows you are so confident that you are right for the job, they'll be impressed beyond their belief and look at the gum chewing cockiness as a sign that you are the one.

Now then, the next two days are all about laundry, cleaning, getting a few outfits for work, (I have clothes...but they are cold weather clothes...it's hotter than hell here), some other little things that don't interest you in the slightest and getting my gift to myself done on Friday.

Then? I spend all weekend laughing. And laughing and laughing and laughing.

Yah, time for a drink too. Cheers!

Discovering Glitches

I peruse Craig's List Rant and Rave quite a bit and one entry was from someone who asked if anyone else felt a bit worried about this upcoming Discovery launch. I wasn't at first but after reading this:

Shuttle May Launch Even With Glitches, I have to agree with that person. Unlike many people, I think the NASA program does us a lot of good but do we really need to keep rushing up into space over and over again if there are problems that need to be addressed, here, on the ground, before sending astronauts out there to deal with the consequences? Haven't we had enough of space shuttles exploding and tearing apart over small glitches?

I'm already losing sleep over something else right now and this launch is tomorrow morning...guess I'm not sleeping at all tonight.

Course my sleeping patterns may be monitored by cell phones in the future:

Big Brother Goes Wireless

Cell phones know whom you called and which calls you dodged, but they can also record where you went, how much sleep you got and predict what you're going to do next.

At least, these are the capabilities of 100 customized phones given to students and employees at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology -- and they may be coming soon to your cell phone.

Oh how delightful. This phone can take your data and predict what you will do next and be absolutely correct 85% of the time. Further, large companies are interested in this because they want to know what's really happening over what reports say is happening.

Hmm....it's called having a true "open door" policy you nitwits. It's been in place for years but is either never utilized or there is retaliation despite the company saying there will be no retaliation. You wanna know how things are really running in your company, go to the lowest paid, most unappreciated department, they'll tell you the truth. And it really is none of the company's business who I choose to hang out with or not.

But you can also create a life time diary with it. Goody. Want to know how much sleep you got in October? Your oracle phone can tell you. Want to know when you last saw a buddy of yours? Big Brother phone can tell you. OR, you could write these things down in a date book or palm pilot if it truly was that important to you.

The defense for this is that these things are already being monitored. Uh, no they are not. No one knows how much sleep I get a night. No one knows if I'm at home or not based on my cellphone because I don't answer the phone half the time and the other half, I forget to carry it around with me or I leave it in the car. I don't see these "features" as being a good idea but people are sheep and will buy right into it.

Just like they've bought into the drug companies who tell us we need drugs to function in every day life and people march right out and get themselves a prescription. Of course there are times when people actually do need drugs, I'm not Tom Cruise for crying out loud, but this garbage of popping a pill every time you're feeling a little blue or can't concentrate or for every single child on the planet who gets a little bored in class is absolutely retarded.

It's amazing the power television has on some people. This sums up what I think of those drug companies and the people who buy them:

It May Cause Death But It's Worth It

Can I hear a "baaaaa"?

Dear Jeff Bezos Part II

Your company has redeemed itself. How? Well, a friend of mine found actual phone numbers to contact your customer service line, (I'm still irritated that your "Contact Us" page doesn't readily show this information), and I called to let them know that here it is, Thursday, July 21 and I still have not received my HP book that I pre-ordered from your company.

I was ready to rumble should I get the typical, "who cares" attitude that so many businesses dish out these days.

But no. Nope. Your company has hired someone that has quality customer service skills and is competent enough to research, listen and care. Because I still do not have the book, not only did "T" offer to refund the FULL amount I paid but will overnight another book like the one I ordered. You see, I apparently ordered the "Deluxe" version of this book which comes with 30 color illustrations. This explains why it was more expensive and that's fine...my bad. So I now have a copy of the regular book I got at the grocery store and am being shipped the Deluxe version I originally ordered PLUS get my money back.

Now that's just damn amazing. It was way more than I ever expected and I must say, you have won me back. I will now publicly sing your praises to anyone who will listen. Starting by putting this letter on my personal site.

Signed

A Regained Fan

(and thank you Sail Girl for the phone numbers)

Lazy Assholes

Unfrickenbelievable.

I'm sitting here, minding my own business when I hear someone start throwing things around outside my window.

Ok, let me tell you what is outside my window:

Outside my bedroom window is the back of the building where there is a sidewalk, a small fence and beyond that small fence a gravel area that is the property of the phone company. I could, if really talented at spitting, spit on the phone company building that is how close it is to this apartment building. The fence merely seperates the two properties.

So I look out my bedroom window and down, (I'm on the 2nd floor), and I see a black and white camo hat with a person underneath, throwing broken furniture bits INTO the yard of the phone company.

The tenant who lives below me went to talk to him, he speaks Spanish so I have no idea what the hell he was saying, but I did hear garbage thrower answering back in English.

His excuse for doing this? For littering on to the phone company's land?

"I was told to move this stuff and there's nowhere else to put it."

Um....not 30 feet to his right is a long row of garbage cans that these broken pieces of furniture can fit into. But that apparently is far, far too difficult. It's so much easier to just toss garbage over the fence into the phone company's back gravel yard isn't it?

Getting rid of stuff does not mean toss it into your neighbor's yard and make it their problem. Getting rid of stuff means pick the shit up and either throw it in the garbage can OR, put it into your car and drive it to the dump.

Why does this bother me? Because these fucking lazy assed ghetto shit heads CONSTANTLY do this kind of crap. Don't want that bed anymore? Just throw it in the side yard of the building. Someone will take care of it. Don't want that desk anymore? Break it into little pieces and then leave it in the back yard so that one day, some asshole wearing a black and white camo hat, who was hired by the landlord to "get rid of this stuff", can throw it over the fence into someone elses yard.

I am really fucking sick and tired of discourteous, lazy piles of shit and they seem to be in abundance around here.

Now this next bit is going to really tick some people off but I truly do not care:

Why, why, WHY would someone fight hard to come to this country for a better life and then treat their new country so poorly? Why would you risk your life on a fucking raft and float for 90 miles only to find a place to live in this country and then treat the land like your personal garbage can? Why would you face jail time under a dictator if caught before touching land in this country only to insist everyone learn YOUR language and then act rudely towards them anyway simply because they are not from your native country?

I don't fucking understand this in the slightest.

And I also want to know, who the hell do I call now that I've witnessed this person throwing garbage into another yard instead of throwing it away. I mean, that is littering and that is against the law but do the police care or will they tell me to call someone else? And I didn't get a good look at the person...just the top of his hat. Maybe they can contact the landlord and fine him. Won't that be fun to let the landlord know that a tenant complained? Yay! Maybe I'll get evicted! Whatever, I'm not letting this one go...I just don't know where to start.

[update] So I decided to go to the phone company and let them know what I saw. They were very happy I did this. I also took photos and they asked me to email them. I did, along with a letter stating what I had seen.

Well guess what? Guess who's in the back right now picking up all the shit he threw over the fence? You guessed it, Mr. Garbage Head. My downstairs neighbor may have an idea that I ratted out litter bug and he was down there just now speaking to him. In Spanish though so I don't know what is being said. I did ask the phone company to keep me anonymous so hopefully no retaliations. Fuckers. Here's one photo I took:

If It Ain't Broke...

I accidentally fell asleep earlier this evening and wound up taking a three hour nap which has led me to my current wide awake condition. What better to do at this hour than hunker down for an evening of fascinating Court TV, right?

So there I am, deeply enthralled, just about to find out "Who Did It" when the signal starts flickering out and I'm left with a blue screen.

Tha hell?

My first thought was, "I know I paid my cable bill...my internet is still working, (same company), so what the F is going on?"

I then get another flicker and the local government station is playing where Court TV used to be. I peruse the channels and realize some are showing, some are not and some are so NOT where they are supposed to be.

Yep, I am watching the cable company rearrange every fucking channel they have. Why the hell do they do this? To fuck with us? Just when I finally learned the channels I really like to memory, they go and change it all up. I'll bet they are sitting in their cushy little chairs right now, gleefully throwing channels around all over the board and periodically spinning around in said chairs while everyone there laughs like loons.

Sigh.

Last time I checked they were halfway done so I guess I'll get to spend the next half an hour searching for my stations and trying to remember where they are for future reference.

And they didn't even give us notice or a new channel line up pamphlet. Bastards.

Dear Jeff Bezos

Today I hate you and your company. This is sad because I've long been a fan of yours and Amazon.com. I truly have. I have been pleased with your site, your selections, your wish lists, everything. I guess all good things must come to an end, right Jeff?

Why do I hate you and your company today? Well, first off, I've been hating you the entire weekend but the venom grew today. The reason? I, stupidly, pre-ordered my Harry Potter book from you. I had faith that it would arrive in a timely fashion, just as you promised. I had faith that it would be one of the lowest prices out there as I've discovered you have done many times. Not today. Today I feel like I've been consumer fucked and I think you are laughing your rich ass off at fools like me who purchased our books from you.

You see, your company took my money and sent me an email telling me that my book would arrive probably Friday, (when it came out), but no later than Saturday at 7pm.

It's Monday, 3:30 and I still don't have my book. Additionally? I COULD have bought it Saturday at the local Publix, a mere block from my house for $20 less than you charged me. I could have spent my weekend in Harry Potter bliss but instead I, who stupidly thought I'd beat the rush of crowds and not be left empty handed like happened with book 5, pre-ordered through your site.

And my hands are still empty and my wallet $20 lighter.

I'm pissed as hell and I think it's going to be a very, very long time before I ever order another damn thing from you again...if I ever order from you again.

So I'll write my letter even though I know all I will get is a "We're sorry, we'll check into that" and nothing more. I won't get any type of refund or coupon or anything except more pissed off.

Never again Bezos. You totally fucked up this time. And you don't get to blame UPS because you didn't even ship the stupid book until Saturday per the email from the bowels of the warehouse.

Thank you for making me feel like a total nimrod for trusting Amazon.com.

Sincerely,

No Longer A Fan

[update] Oh goody, another day has passed and NO book! And to add even more joy to this already joyous celebration, when you go to "contact us" on Amazon's website, you get a fricken page of bullshit but no phone number, no email, NOTHING. What you do get is to click on, "This page did not help me" which brings you to a feedback form. But, they can't respond to your feedback so who the hell knows if anyone will ever read what you write and there is no place to go to give them a piece of your mind. Fuck this company. I'm done with them.

If anyone does know the contact number to "Customer Service" (yeah, right), at Amazon, please let me know. I pity the fool who answers the phone there.

[update part the 2nd] Although I went to the grocery store and bought the book last night, I am still waiting on the one I ordered to show so that I can send it back. It's Tuesday, 11:05pm...still no book.

Growl!

You people and your farookin' memes. Why can't someone I don't like send me one of these things so that I can easily avoid it? Little Miss Chaos Theory decided to smack me with this one and because I like her not only for her site but because we have actually conversed in email and she fucking rocks, I will do this again. Please note, Ruth, I'm scowling the entire time. I am, however, correcting all the grammatical errors because they really do bug the crap out of me. I can't even concentrate on my answers until I've done that.

Heeeeeere we go:

What I was doing 10 years ago:

Ten years ago...1995...what a fucked up time in my life that was. I was still naive enough to have faith in people and think they were all well intended. I was still stupid enough to excuse people's rudeness. I was about to embark on a journey of the absolute worst decisions I'd ever made because I was naive and because people are assholes who like to take advantage of others. I did learn very much from it all so it wasn't a total wash.

Five years ago:

Five years ago, 2000. I was still suffering from the results of a bad car accident a year earlier not only physically but financially as well. The accident was not my fault but it took three fucking years before I ever got my settlement. In the meantime, I paid out of pocket for everything. I was also dealing with shitty roommates, (that reminds me, I need to continue those posts), and starting to make decisions based on this time in my life as well as the previous 5 years of incidents. My 20s were a very rough time for me...but, again, I learned a hell of a lot and that's why I don't regret anything. I am, however, much harder on people and much more reserved with my feelings and emotions because of these things.

One year ago:

As if to give me my final lesson on how people can be complete assholes, I was about to embark on one more journey into rudeness, hypocrisy and expectations on the part of others despite how well they veiled the invitation. From this and all the previous experiences, I have learned not to make excuses for anyone anymore. If you are rude to me, I may not tell you but I won't associate with you anymore. I don't give a lot of leeway to anyone anymore. I used to give three chances. Now I give one.

Yesterday:

Worked my ass off at a part time job. Got home and stressed the rest of the night about getting this full time job that I really want and need.

Five snacks I enjoy:

Snacks? Hmmm. Not much of a snack type person. I eat almonds simply because they are supposed to be good for you. Sometimes I eat chips. Sometimes popcorn. It's hard to answer this because what some people consider snacks, I might consider a meal on any given day. Example, say I was hungry and had a small bag of chips. To me? That makes lunch. I think it's pathetic to sit around and shovel food into your mouth for no other reason than to deal with boredom. That's all snacking ever seemed to be to me.

Five songs I know all the words to:

Too many to list here.

Five Things I would do with $100 million:

Laugh maniacally. Buy property. Fix my car up and put extras on it. (It's an older car but I really like it so I wouldn't need a new car.) Apply to as many customer service jobs as I could and tell customers what I think of them; mostly I would do this in restaurants and bars. Tell every rude person who comes crawling back with their apologies to bite me.

Five locations I would like to run away to:

I'm in one. Ireland, Italy (Venice), Iceland, some remote island.

Five things I like doing:

Sleeping, swimming, driving, eating, snowboarding.

Five bad habits I have:

Smoking, baiting idiots, (just like Ruth), conducting social experiments more often than people would ever know or guess for my own personal pleasure, sometimes being lazy. That's only four but I don't care.

Five things I would never wear:

Again like Ruth, what everyone else is wearing, ho' clothes, a mumu, pith helmets, sandles with socks.

Five TV shows I like:

Just about anything on the following channels: Discovery, History, Animal Planet, Court TV, National Geographic.

Five biggest joys of the moment:

I'm here, my cats, the fact I have some savings, I have all my physical abilities and appendages, I'm not an idiot.

Five favorite toys:

Computer and all things computer associated: MP3 player, digital camcorder, digital camera, etc. etc. etc. Also, my boogie board. I would say skis and snowboard but there is no place to do that here so they sit in the closet, waiting. I miss them.

So It Is Written, So It Shall Be

So today I had an interview for a job I really want. In a bad way. I have the experience to do the job, I have letters from past CEOs, customers, Supervisors, etc. I can do this job, I need this job, I want this job, they should be smart enough to want me too.

Nonetheless, I'm horrible in interviews. Horri BULL! I have a tendency to do everything wrong in an interview regardless of how often I tell myself prior to pay attention and not do such things in the future. But do I listen to myself? Nooo! I let nerves overtake my mind and I go back into the hand flinging, ceiling seeking, sweating pile of mess.

Well not this time! I ordered myself. This time I was going to do everything right. I would look them right in the eye at all times! I will fold my hands neatly in my lap and I will appear calm, cool and completely collected. Ok? You got that self? Do you got it!?

So I drive up and park. I give myself some last minute coaching and touch up. I walked into the building approximately 15 minutes earlier than they requested. I am handed an application, fill it out and am met with gasps, "You're done already? That's the fastest anyone has filled out their application!"

Because I'm like a Boy Scout. I'm prepared yo!

The receptionist gets the call to have me led upstairs and I'm whisked away into a room with two people who are going to be interviewing me. Ok, nerves are cooking right now so I decide to lighten the mood by spilling forth with a little ice breaking joke, "Ah, ganging up on me I see!"

Ah yes. I'm brilliant. Tension is eased. We sit down and we start talking away. I'm firing off answers, they are nodding in approval and scribbling furiously on their evaluation pads. I'm mentally quizzing myself and I realize I'm not flinging, I'm not befriending the ceiling and I'm not sweating. Yes! And I'm also giving equal eye contact time; not favoring one interviewer over the other regardless of who asked the question. I'm brilliant! BRILLIANT I tell you!

But I am still nervous. So nervous in fact that I find my mouth and throat dry. So dry that I start coughing. I can't stop coughing. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing. It's disrupting the flow of the interview. This only makes my throat clench tighter. Oh what I would give for a glass of water. Just one little sip.

They keep asking questions, I keep coughing. Finally they show me mercy and ask someone to get me some water. Ok, just get the water and all will be good. I'm doing everything right now. I'm making them laugh, I'm sharing anecdotes, I'm giving all the right answers, I'm showing passion and interest for the job, I'm showing them I understand the job...ah yes, this is going fabulously. Could it be? Have I finally mastered the art of interviewing? Have I done it? Are the heavens smiling upon me at long last? So many things have changed in my life recently, how wonderful that this is changing too! Except that I can't really talk well and we are all dealing with my non stop coughing.

Finally the employee returns with the cup of water and the interviewers get back to questioning. But now I have my water. Now I'm smooth. Now I'm ready. Now I truly am calm, cool and completely collected. Yes, yes, now I get how easy interviewing is. I will ace this and I will impress the hell out of them.

Until?

I bring the cup to my mouth and proceed to spill half the contents down the front of my shirt.

Naturally.

Murphy loves to keep me close to his side, you see.

I'll let you know next week whether or not my little water trick earned me any extra points.

Not Dolls

There is something seriously frighteningly wrong with this:

Angels With Attitudes

I have more understanding for the older girls who do this but who the fuck thinks it's okay to pluck the eyebrows of little girls and babies? That. Is sick.

And this falls under my, "Why I Hate People" category.

Dude Get OFF My Face!

Been having some serious writer's block lately but I do have a little story to share in the meantime so grab the popcorn kids, this one's a doozie. (Aren't they all?)

ALL I wanted was a pack of smokes. But, as with anything, I cannot complete a simple task without some sort of drama being involved. Sigh..I swear, what is it with people?

Ok, so about 11 the other night I decided to venture on to the local 24 hour Wal-Greens to get some smokes. See? Innocent! I walk in and wait patiently for my turn. I get to the counter and they have run out of the brand I like so rather than plunk down money for another kind, I decided to check out another 24 hour store about a block or so away.

I walk in to this other store and request my brand. They, too, do not have this brand. OY! These are the only two 24 hour stores I know of and now, even though I wasn't earlier, I'm really joneson for the nicotine just because I can't have what I want. You know how it is. I'm merely human.

So I get a different kind that's alright and while the clerk is ringing this purchase up, this old, fat clerk, he starts asking me all sorts of questions. You know, the personal ones that I think shop owners and clerks really don't need to know? Still, I don't like to be rude either and I stupidly, stupidly, stupidly answer them truthfully every single time because I have, again, learned NOTHING.

He asks if I'm from here, how long have I lived here, am I married, (you see where this is going), do I have a boyfriend, blah blah blah. Because I am not good at lying nor saying things like, "None of your damn business asshole", I answer all these questions accordingly.

One could almost see the gleam in the dirty old man's eyes. He then asks what I do for a living and when I tell him I'm looking for something full time and permanent, he starts talking about a job. Ok! Well maybe we are on to something here. I stand to the side and wait while he helps other customers because hey, this is a job we're talking about...let's see where this goes.

Eventually we end up outside because apparently we are both having ourselves a nicotine fit and he starts asking me why Americans are the way they are, no morals, always dating around, selfish and such as if I personally held the key to this answer.

Which, I do but I'm not allowed to reveal it because I'm being paid off by big media. In fact, it is I who has ripped a large hole in the fabric of our moral society for my own personal gain and it was right of him to ask ME.

I start throwing out some b.s. answers and try to steer the conversation back to this job he was talking about. Oh but he wasn't finished. He decided to tell me that he believes the man should take care of the women and apparently? Because I just moved here and don't have employment yet? That obviously means that I need a sugar daddy. It does not matter that I have done a lot, a lot, a lot to get here pretty much on my own, that I drove thousands of miles in a rental car and sacrificed, scraped and suffered through crap to get here, I, helpless little girl that I am, NEED this guy. And he's here for me just in time!

Jeezus Krist!

Yes, he stated that he would like to date me. In fact, he knows I'm a great person and that this relationship would work out fantastically. Why don't I come over to his house tomorrow and he'll make me dinner! Brilliance!

I told him that I would be doing no such thing. I told him I'm not comfortable with that idea and that it would not be happening. He says, "I'm safe. I'm not going to kill you."

Let's allow that to sink in for a moment before we continue.

He kept insisting that I come to his house to see him. Ok, look, I wouldn't do this anyway but I am certainly not going to do this with someone I'm not attracted to in any way whatsoever, who is that damn pushy, who doesn't listen nor respect what I'm saying back....you see, it was all about what he wanted and who cares what I want, I mean, it's not like he's going to kill me.

I was just getting ready to tell him that I thought it best I go when the crotchety old bitch grabbed my face in his hands and tried to fucking kiss me on the mouth! I SHIT you not! I bowed my head just in time to feel his old, wrinkled lips on my forehead before ripping my face out of his grasp.

Tha hell!?

For God's sake all I wanted was a fucking pack of smokes and I got Grandpa trying to make out with me in the parking lot!

So, that's it. The gloves are off. I'm done being nice to people when they start in with the Spanish Inquisition. Screw tact, screw manners. I'm done.

Being An Adult Sucks

So I have been highly unmotivated to write anything because, really? You wouldn't believe me even if you were me.

Some of the less traumatic highlights:

Recently I got a new car. (New to me, that is.) I decided that this time I would be a grown up and not put stickers with witty, smart ass comments all over it nor would I trick it out with little chrome bits and neon lights and whatever else I could find to show the world that I'm still cool, yo! Look at my car!

No. This time I would be an adult and drive an adult car. But apparently my car does not like this. My car wants to be like cars from my past. My car wants to be young and carefree and sport no less than 300 decals portraying its attitude.

So what does my car do to me in rebellious defiance? It rips holes in things. Like my oil hose. And my radiator hose. And the upholstery on the ceiling. So I, being the adult in this relationship, shell out big bucks for my car's angst and replace these items. I promise the car that despite the fact I have not bought it the desired school clothes like all the other cool cars are wearing, it is still my precious baby and I love it so.

This did not sit well with the car. Apparently my car is at the age that if I show it any affection other than "dope" accessories, I'm embarrassing it. So the car retaliates again.

I'm driving to work one day and go to adjust the rearview mirror. Unfortunately cool car thought cool mom should not be touching it in front of its car peers and showed me hostility by allowing the mirror to break off in my hand. What car didn't realize is that with the breaking of the mirror, down came the pretty hip accessories I let dangle from this mirror. Of course I will purchase another mirror but car has had to go three days without and I think it's starting to feel remorse. Towards me? Doubtful. Remorse that it looks retarded right now.

So, ok, then also? Again I'm trying to be a grown up now and do things the grown up way but what am I doing instead? I'm sitting at my desk at 4 in the morning, smoking a cigarette and writing here instead of sleeping, like adults do, regardless of the fact that I have to be at work in 4 hours. Because I'm stupid. And because I stupidly drank a pop 1/2 hour before going to bed. Because I have learned nothing. Because I very adultly rebelled against lessons taught me when I was younger by my parents and that maybe they were wrong! oh so wrong! it is possible to drink a carbonated beverage before bedtime and still get sleep. Sure it is! Just look at me now!

Despite how much I try to be a grown up I was reminded earlier tonight just how many years I've put on when I watched the show, "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Now, I would not have normally watched this show if it wasn't for his hysterical, weekly commentary about the show, (so you see how this is not my fault in any way, shape or form), but I felt under obligation to do so since I demanded he continue writing about it.

And I saw one of my favorite bands from the 80's...Missing Persons...looking as haggard as I could ever imagine them looking. Dale? The lead singer? Oh Dale, Dale, Dale....I'm so sorry...the years have not treated you well. And then? She did a rendition of Kylie Minoque's song, "Out of My Head" and it was so embarrassing to watch, I actually thought of changing the channel on Missing Persons! I KNOW! I felt shame! Shame people! That I ever said this lady could sing. She would not make it through the first cut on American Idol that's how dreadful the performance was.

And that's when it hit me. My God! I'm old! I'm old yet I still act like a little girl trying to play house. See, Missing Persons broke up when I was 16 and while I have not felt, as many adults do, (because I can't even master this part of adulthood), that time has flown by, instead I am actually shocked...SHOCKED I tell you, when I see people from my past, (young, free, full of hope), life looking like grandma!

So, I tried. I gave it a valiant effort to be an adult this week and I failed except to note that the only thing I've accomplished is aging. Now do you understand why I didn't feel like writing much?

Next time you see me I'll be drinking straight out of the milk carton yet bitching about how cold it is all the time. Time to throw the covers over my head. You know, the ones with Hello Kitty on them? I can see you are impressed with how well I'm getting the hang of this adult hood thing.