Nomen Est Omen

So It Is Written, So It Shall Be

So today I had an interview for a job I really want. In a bad way. I have the experience to do the job, I have letters from past CEOs, customers, Supervisors, etc. I can do this job, I need this job, I want this job, they should be smart enough to want me too.

Nonetheless, I'm horrible in interviews. Horri BULL! I have a tendency to do everything wrong in an interview regardless of how often I tell myself prior to pay attention and not do such things in the future. But do I listen to myself? Nooo! I let nerves overtake my mind and I go back into the hand flinging, ceiling seeking, sweating pile of mess.

Well not this time! I ordered myself. This time I was going to do everything right. I would look them right in the eye at all times! I will fold my hands neatly in my lap and I will appear calm, cool and completely collected. Ok? You got that self? Do you got it!?

So I drive up and park. I give myself some last minute coaching and touch up. I walked into the building approximately 15 minutes earlier than they requested. I am handed an application, fill it out and am met with gasps, "You're done already? That's the fastest anyone has filled out their application!"

Because I'm like a Boy Scout. I'm prepared yo!

The receptionist gets the call to have me led upstairs and I'm whisked away into a room with two people who are going to be interviewing me. Ok, nerves are cooking right now so I decide to lighten the mood by spilling forth with a little ice breaking joke, "Ah, ganging up on me I see!"

Ah yes. I'm brilliant. Tension is eased. We sit down and we start talking away. I'm firing off answers, they are nodding in approval and scribbling furiously on their evaluation pads. I'm mentally quizzing myself and I realize I'm not flinging, I'm not befriending the ceiling and I'm not sweating. Yes! And I'm also giving equal eye contact time; not favoring one interviewer over the other regardless of who asked the question. I'm brilliant! BRILLIANT I tell you!

But I am still nervous. So nervous in fact that I find my mouth and throat dry. So dry that I start coughing. I can't stop coughing. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing. It's disrupting the flow of the interview. This only makes my throat clench tighter. Oh what I would give for a glass of water. Just one little sip.

They keep asking questions, I keep coughing. Finally they show me mercy and ask someone to get me some water. Ok, just get the water and all will be good. I'm doing everything right now. I'm making them laugh, I'm sharing anecdotes, I'm giving all the right answers, I'm showing passion and interest for the job, I'm showing them I understand the job...ah yes, this is going fabulously. Could it be? Have I finally mastered the art of interviewing? Have I done it? Are the heavens smiling upon me at long last? So many things have changed in my life recently, how wonderful that this is changing too! Except that I can't really talk well and we are all dealing with my non stop coughing.

Finally the employee returns with the cup of water and the interviewers get back to questioning. But now I have my water. Now I'm smooth. Now I'm ready. Now I truly am calm, cool and completely collected. Yes, yes, now I get how easy interviewing is. I will ace this and I will impress the hell out of them.

Until?

I bring the cup to my mouth and proceed to spill half the contents down the front of my shirt.

Naturally.

Murphy loves to keep me close to his side, you see.

I'll let you know next week whether or not my little water trick earned me any extra points.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at July 15, 2005 12:05 AM | TrackBack