Nomen Est Omen

Bugger All

Oh well. I'm not going to be able to take that job that I would have loved so much. It's just not possible with the car repair bills and even with massive research and second opinions, it's still going to cost a lot to get it fixed.

Last night I wrote a letter to the would have been boss to let him know. I felt bad having to write that letter but what else can I do? I mean, do I need the powers that be to smack me upside the head before I realize that I've only had three HUGE signs telling me that leaving my current position is very bad idea? How much louder must they get before it sinks in?

First they brought about a second job potential at the same time, starting me out full time when I needed it. Sign one. Sign two, they sent on a fricken hurricane for crying out loud! Sign three? The car. The car with potentially deadly problems if not fixed soon.

So I have the message loud and clear now. It's a bummer but what can ya do. Just do what I gotta do and eventually I'll find something else when the time is right.

And I was going to say more but unfortunately some douche bag just drove by with his bass blaring louder than any bass I've ever heard and I got to sit here and listen to my car alarm go off. Completely broke my concentration. Man I hate people.

------Five minutes later...still racking brain for lost thoughts and ideas-----

Yep. Gone. Thank you assfuck. Thank you so very fucking much for being a thoughtless prick and blasting your shitty fucking music, disturbing the peace.

Merry Christmas

Let Me Graduate Already

Sigh...it's like I'm being tested. I had just made up my mind, cemented, that I was going to get started on this new job soon. In fact, I met up with the potential boss today to lay out the plans and we agreed that starting sometime in early January would work out best for us all.

But apparently the Universe has other plans. I had brought my car in to the shop today to get an oil change and possibly new fuel lines as well as have the battery and alternator inspected and while this was being done, met up with the potential boss to discuss things.

I got back to the auto shop and waited and waited and waited and waited. Finally I get word that the oil change was done, there is nothing wrong with my battery and alternator and the fuel lines won't be too expensive. However! I get told that the following things are broken:

Fuel Lines: Parts-$146 Labor: 1.5 hours Total: $278
Oil Cooler Seals: Parts-$22 Labor: 1.5 hours Total: $154
Front Motor Mounts (1): Parts-$233 Labor: 2.5 hours Total: $453
Control Arms: Parts-$690!!!! Labor: 3 hours Total: $954!!!!!
Left and Right Tie Rods: Parts-$466 Labor: 3 hours Total: $730!!!!
Upper Strut Mounts: Parts-$52 Labor: 4 hours Total: $404
RBA: (I think that's realignment and balancing after doing the arms, tie rods and strut mounts) Total: $89.95

MOTHER OF GOD! That's 3063 mother fucking dollars! They said they would give me 15% off the parts and 15% off the labor but it still came out to around $2600.

I could puke. The most important things to take care of are the oil cooler seals, the control arms and the left and right tie rods. The rest I can kind of wait on but those things should be taken care of right away. The oil cooler seals will cause the oil leak to stop and prevent any further huge oil spills from not getting it fixed. The control arms control the fucking steering and the tie rods...I knew something was wrong because when I parked in various places I would notice something leaking from around the tire area.

Guess what I can't do if I take that new job now? For the first three months at the new job I won't get paid that much but after that I'll be making some good money. However, I can't be putting this shit off for three monhts. PLUS, in March it's time for me to pay car insurance again and that always sucks down a bit of money due to where I live, (damn tourists), so this is really sucking hard.

If I stay at my current job, I can have the oil coolant seals, the control arms and the tie rods fixed by mid January. You know, just when I was hoping to get started at the new job. So I could do all of this and then have NO money for three months. I had wanted to save up my money that I have now plus the money I got over the next three paychecks, (minus bills), so I would have a little safety net during the three months before I got my raise at the new job.

NOW what the fuck do I do? I don't want to lose out on this new job because I asked to wait a little longer but I also don't want my car falling apart while I'm driving it down the freeway at 65mph. GARRRRRRR!

I have already bought the oil cooler seals and will have them put in next week and the lady said she owes me an hour of service time so I should only have to pay for a half an hour of service on that. But that isn't so bad. It wasn't too expensive anyway. It's the fucking control arms and tie rods that are going to kill me.

The thing is, I had just noticed the leaking and I had just noticed my car starting to shimmy...or shake a little as I drove and I would like to thank the city of Miami for having such fucked up roads, the endless fucking road construction and for placing potholes in the road that rise a good three inches ABOVE the fucking street level so that my car is constantly bouncing around. Thanks assholes...I'm positive that is what broke the tie rods and the control arms. POSITIVE!

I am not going to lose that job. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do this but I am NOT losing that job. I can't fucking stand it I swear. I had just gotten a fat paycheck that I didn't have to spend on anything and the same was going to happen in mid January leaving me with a nice savings account to tide me over during this three month probationary period only to have it sucked down immediately.

I love my car. I EARNED that car and I will keep that car as long as I possibly can. I have also put a fuck load of money into that car in the past year and there is no way I would sell it, junk it or trade it in for something new. It's an older version car, (from the 90's) and the engine won't ever break on me...just needs new parts from time to time....and they all happen to need replacing at the most INopportune times.

Sigh. I wish I didn't have to pay my rent for one month. That would help out immensely. Well, whatever. I've been through worse...I'll figure this one out as well. I just get tired of everything being so fucking hard sometimes. I guess that's what I get for slightly complaining about how boring life had been lately. HAR HAR on me.

This too shall pass...and I'll look back on this, like I do all other experiences and laugh. While drunk. My poor little car.....it's been so good to me. I have to take care of it. I will take care of it and I will still get this new job and I will suffer through....I'm just whining because I'm tired of things not being easy.

I know what people will say to because they say it every time: "shop around for a cheaper mechanic". Done that. Guess what? I learned my lesson. First and foremost, this is a VW. You cannot buy anything BUT VW parts. No getting around it. Second..the last time I took the car in to a NON VW mechanic to get it fixed? A good amount of money was put down and they didn't fix shit. See that bit up there about engine mounts? Guess what the fuck the non VW mechanic supposedly did in March? You guessed it..."fixed" the broken engine mounts. Apparently they fucking didn't. Engine mounts do NOT break in 6 months. Oh sure, I could go and fight to get the money back but that doesn't help me out now. Rest assured however, I will be fighting them for it and I will be calling the BBB on their ass. But for the present time, that helps not at all. I will never take my car to a non VW mechanic ever again. You end up spending the money twice.

In Other News...

I've decided, after a nice vacation, that I'm going to go for the other job I wrote about in a previous entry. I had been stuck on this decision because I liked getting my fat paychecks from my current job and had, I guess, succumbed...or given up, really, on any hopes or dreams in an effort to remain financially stable.

The problem? My dad's words kept coming back to haunt my mind. About 10 years or so ago we were talking on the phone about my employment situation at the time, (I really liked drama and had taken classes at various schools to hone some skills and I loved nothing more than being on stage..and damnit! That's what I was going to do for a living!) I was growing so frustrated with them for not showing me any support at all hence this conversation we were having.

I finally decided to ask him what he had wanted to be when he grew up. I had always known, since I was five years old, when they put me in ballet and tap and I had a recital and fell in love with performing and being on the stage, that acting was what I wanted to do. Surely he would have had some dreams when he was young.

He told me that he wanted to be a Forest Park Ranger when he grew up and I was floored. I was floored that he didn't follow his dream. To know him is to know that being a Forest Park Ranger is exactly the perfect fit for him. I told him as much and said, "Why didn't you?"

He answered, "Because I had a family and obligations." I said that what he was telling me was that he sold out for the dollar. I continued that being a Forest Park Ranger would have been so right up his alley, that he would have been so, incredibly happy.

His reply?

"Well, I wasn't unhappy."

I never want to say that. I don't want to sit in my rocking chair at 90 years old, look back at my life and say, "Well, I wasn't unhappy." I want to look back at my life, all the hard times and the good times, the choices I made and how I chose to spend my days and say, "I'm glad I chose the path I did. I was very happy and still am."

Being away from work for two weeks I realized that I wasn't unhappy. I also wasn't happy there. Sure, I get a pretty cool schedule and sure I get paid way more than I should and don't have to work hard at all..AT ALL for it and sure, I'm positive they won't ever catch on that they are wasting money by not only paying me this amount for a job where I don't do shit but also two other people, and sure I get to sleep in every day and avoid all the horrifying rush hour traffic....but I cannot truthfully say that I'm happy.

Some people measure success by their paycheck and the things they have. I measure success by my happiness. I don't need a lot of things. Of course having a condo right on the beach with a big flat panel television and the best surround sound stereo and a new computer every year and a Mercedes 560 SL convertable, (black, white interior), and the best food and the ability to buy new clothes when something tears and paying my bills the instant they come in would be great...but the sacrifice I would have to make to get there wouldn't necessarily make me happy.

I still love the stage and I will eventually look to do some local theatre here but I no longer want to jet off to NY or Hollywood and be a famous celebrity because hello? Hollywood? Celebrities? Most of them are fucking stupid and fake and I just can't stand fake, stupid people. I do not think that someone is better than me simply because they have a fatter bank account than I do.

However, what I really want to do is work with animals. Granted I would love to work on an animal sanctuary or do something that makes a difference but in the meantime, I'll take any animal job. And that job today is the one I've been offered since August.

I thought while on my vacation about both jobs and realized how happy I was when I was not in the office. My mood was light, things didn't bother me as much, I felt freer, I felt healthier, I felt more alive. I watched Animal Planet and the Dog Whisperer on National Geographic and realized that the people who work around animals all day, to me? Were the luckiest people out there.

What cemented it for me is how I've been treated since I've been back to the office. My two co-workers are bitches and ignore me most of the day, although other co-workers in different departments are still cool and I will miss some of them. Then there is the fact that I was ignored by my own boss. When I came in, the first day back from vacation, I had nothing to do. Literally. Nothing. I sat there for two hours trying to find something, anything to do. The two bitches ignored me when I asked them what they were working on and my boss said he had nothing for me right now but would possibly later on.

Three hours went by. Four hours. Still nothing. I went on my lunch break and had not worked the entire day. And no one seemed to care. When I got back from my lunch break I jokingly asked one of the bitches if she missed me while I was gone, (stupid...I know!) and she said, 'No'. Okay then.

These two weeks were also the weeks that the company decided to do a whole lot of things. Now this is going to sound whiny and bullshit but hear me out. They decided to do a Secret Santa exchange but I was not there to sign up for it so I did not get to participate. Today they exchanged the gifts. A lot of people said, "I feel bad for you" but that was the extent of it. Yeah, I felt special today.

They also sent out invitations for the company Christmas party while I was gone and the deadline to RSVP was before I got back. My boss claimed that they had tried to call me, had left messages and everything! Funny, I don't have an answering service for my home phone number. It will just ring and ring so how did they leave a message?

In fairness they did try to get me my photo taken today but I declined because I just wasn't feeling festive anymore.

While I was gone everyone got a bonus. Guess who didn't get theirs?

Also while I was gone, they changed the schedule to fit the upcoming holidays. Guess who gets to work about 10 days in a row..the only person who has to do that because of the schedule? Everyone else gets all these days off...I get a fucking stretch of work days. With nothing to do.

I did make a proposal today and got to switch some of my days off so that's all cleared up but the underlying feeling of being forgotten couldn't escape me. This isn't a big company. This is a small company and it really can have a family feel to it sometimes and it was what made me like the place in the beginning. But some of the stuff that happened just made me feel not needed or wanted, to be truthful.

Now I said I know that sounds whiny and bullshit but listen to the difference here:

The prospective boss had sent me an email during the first week of my vacation. I had spent one of my days on vacation with his top person and he emailed me right after to ask how it went and when we could meet up again. Well, I was unable to respond to him until a week and a half later and when we did talk on the phone do you know what he told me?

Because I had not contacted him in any way, he grew concerned. So concerned because it was so unlike me not to respond that he was thinking of calling the police because he feared something happened to me. His wife talked him out of it stating that my lack of response was none of his business but listen to that.

He talked it over with his wife, at his home, about his concern and he's not even my boss! (Yet)

I was told by the girl I spent time with that he was so kind and considerate that he treated them like they were his own. So I ask you, which would you rather work for?

The company that says they are like family but forgets about you in so many things or the company who actually treats you like you are family and has geniune concern for you and you don't even work for them?

The company which pays you well to sit around all day and do nothing or the company which says, "You want work? You can work as much as you want, I'll throw you the work and you can make as much money as you want" and you are doing something you love?

Yah. Me too. So tomorrow I am meeting with the soon to be new boss and laying the plans on when, exactly, I'll be putting in my two weeks notice at the current job.

Every once in awhile I'll feel a twinge of guilt because the current company has been pretty good to me but then I'll remember two things:

Everyone exchanging gifts today, being excited and happy and feeling all Christmasy.

The bitch co-worker who ignores me all day and was happy when I wasn't there.

I don't need shit like that. So I'm going to leave soon and then I'll be a fuck of a lot happier...and? I'll have completed my goal. I made a goal some years ago that I would live next to the beach and have a job working with animals. I've got the beach part down...soon I'll have the animal job and then I'll know I have finally succeeded.

I cannot fucking wait.

Love Chiropractor

I have been going to a chiropractor for years due to an injury but have not been to one in about three years. I needed, in a very bad way, an adjustment. Yesterday I went and got the x-rays done and the consultation but because their developer was down, the x-rays could not be finished until today after they got a part. No adjustment. I wanted to sob.

I went in again today and my back is so fucked up...which I already knew..but let me tell you how fucked up it is. In your neck, you are supposed to have a curve. I not only do not have that curve, my neck is so fricken bad that it has started to curve in the opposite direction. Yes.

Further, where I'm not supposed to have a curve, in the mid to lower back, I got myself a nice one. I knew this, I knew exactly why I had the pain I do and I knew the chiro was going to see a seriously fucked up spine like he hasn't seen in some time. Most people, while they may have back problems, do not have the major issues that I do or other accident victims have.

To be quite truthful? I was reaaaaaaaaaal close to becoming paralyzed in that accident. I embrace the pain for that reason alone.

Today I got an adjustment. My headache went away for a wee bit, sort of, but is starting to come back. (Expected.) My legs? For the first time in years....and I mean years, I am sitting here feeling minimal to no pain in my legs.

Let me bring that home to you: For over half a decade I have had NON stop pain in my legs. Not one second of relief. Not even a half of a second. Today? For the first time since my accident? My legs feel like normal people legs. I'm so used to them being in pain that I have grown accustomed to it, although some days are really bad, and my mind has been able to block that pain out. So it was quite a shock when I got home and was putting my bag down and I realized, "Holy shit! My legs don't hurt! OH MY GOD!" My neck still hurts but my legs don't. I'll take what I can get.

Man, my back was popping all over the place today. The first thing he did kind of hurt but I bore through it because I know from experience that I will feel better at the end. Then he popped my back all the way up....when he did my neck...I tensed up a little bit because that always scares me. It's at that exact moment, when my head is between their hands and I know they are about to wrench it to the right and then the left that I start questioning their credentials. Kind of late to be doing that then but I wait till then to horrify myself in my mind:

"Yah he has all those licenses on the wall but what if he was the worst of the class?"

"How do I know those are real licenses?"

"What if this is one of those doctors that had their licenses taken away and were told never to practice here again but he just moved to a new city and state and set up shop and no one has caught on yet and I'm about to have my neck broken by someone who isn't supposed to be practicing! Why am I so stupid!?"

I hate the neck cracking. It scares the shit out of me. It works...but it's still scary so even though I know it works and I knew what was coming and I knew I was supposed to just relax, I did tense up at the last second and so it did hurt a little.

When he was done popping the shit out of my spine, I got up and felt really, really light. I felt almost loopy. I felt so fucking good...I felt like I felt before the accident. I felt like non injured people feel. It was like a high.

I go back next Tuesday to go over the x-rays with him, develop a schedule and get to cracking, (har! no pun intended), on fixing my spine so that one day, I'll feel right again. It's going to be intense and it's going to cost a lot....well, the insurance company anyway, I only pay $20 each time but it will be worth it.

It's either this or live in pain for the rest of my life until it's too late to do a damn thing.

If you have no spinal injuries or whatever...count those blessings. Seriously. How you feel daily is like a drug to me. Now, I need to go lie down and enjoy this feeling for as long as it lasts.

Earned!

Ooh, lookie here! Updating frequently again! It's cause I'm on vacation. I don't have to go anywhere, I already live where everyone goes on their vacation. All I have to do is walk two blocks and BAM! Vacation!

Anyhoo, getting a significant pay raise has made life kind of interesting around here. I've actually been able to go do things that everyone else does normally but I've had to put off for years.

For example: For the first time EVER, since being on my own, I now have a Christmas tree. Oh yes. I decided I fully deserved one and I was going to have one damnit! It certainly isn't a fly by shopping thought, I've thought about having one for years. Well, I did have one many moons ago but it was sad. It was even sadder than a Charlie Brown tree. Let me tell you how sad it was. It was so incredibly sad because it was made out of the two covers, front and back, of a green, three ring binder.

I'm not kidding.

I wanted a tree, I didn't have any money, (college kid), so I traced a pattern and got a knife and cut out a tree from the front and back of the binder. I then made a stump, (also green), and cut slits in it for the "tree" to rest on. I then decorated it with pieces of colored paper as ornaments. Truly ghetto, truly sad. That was 15 years ago. I think I certainly deserve a real, (fake), tree and I got one, lighted, from Target for only $40.

Of course then I had to get ornaments. Target rules you guys. I love Target. Target is also dangerous because one NEVER gets ONLY what they set out to get, now do they? Do not lie.

Being in the total hyper spirit that I was in now that I had a tree, I got the ornaments, (purple, blue, white to match my surroundings), wee mini Christmas stockings for me and the cats, a purple star to go on top of the tree, (Target I love you), a red blanket to go around base of the tree, a dark burgundy huge bow to go on my door because I couldn't really afford a wreath, (burgundy better matches than the all out red blanket but who cares), and then? THEN?

Then I decided that I would get presents. Presents! Yay! Since I know no one here and the family doesn't exist, I got presents for me and the cats. You think that sounds pathetic? Not as pathetic as doing nothing as I have done for years.

Sooo, the cats got treats, (which they stuck their nose up at...brats), they got a new toy from Hartz which they love! cause it really does rule. In fact, this is one of the rare times that the cats actually played with the TOY and not the packaging instead. This toy rules because that bag makes sounds just like a grocery bag which they love but I don't have to worry about them choking themselves on the handles because there are no handles. So glee for the kitties! It truly is one of the best cat toys.

They also got one of those long ribbon type toys on the end of a long er...stick. Cats went crazy for it. They were leaping in the air, doing backflips and attacking the shit out of this thing. Excellent exercise toy especially because I can still be lazy. I just lay on the couch, flick my wrist once in awhile while holding this thing and the cats go nuts.

Finally I got them a brand, spankin' new litter box and got this little fan that clips on to the litter box to get rid of any odors. Of course I don't really have an odor problem ever since I discovered the Crystals but one cat has really bad aim and it seems I'm constantly wiping the walls or floor so the fan works in that case. Oh and they got a little rubber mat to wipe their feet on instead of trailing litter all over the house. I guess that's more of a present for me.

Then I got myself gifts. Because I deserve them. Well, Hello Kitty things were on sale so that just made it harder to resist. I usually can do ok if I turn my head quickly but when you put the sign, "SALE!" next to them? I lose. I got a Hello Kitty alarm clock that you plug in but also has battery back up and WILL go to the battery back up if the power ever goes out. As you can clearly see, I needed this. Hi, hurricanes? I don't have to worry about my battery clock running out of battery in the middle of the night nor do I worry about the power going out because this clock covers it all. Necessity. Hello Kitty a plus. Also a plus..it matches my Hello Kitty t.v.

I also got a Hello Kitty juice maker. Remember? "SALE!" ? Of course buying orange juice here is much cheaper than making it but it was ON SALE! And I will use it one day.

Then I got a mixer...those beater things. Because I've had one in my life and it was sucky and easier to just mix the stuff by hand and I've been doing it that way for years and years and I am tired so I got a new one and it rules. It even comes with a storage compartment so your beaters and cord aren't making a mess everywhere. Major plus as I'm a neat freak.

So I came home, set up the tree, got the gifts out for the cats and then decorated the tree. It's pretty. I'll take a photo of it tonight and add it in here. Oh and one thing I love? Cause I'm a dork? I always catch my cats sitting under the tree on the new blanket and it's like they are my Christmas kitties.

Because the gifts are already "opened", (because I'm an impatient gift giver and receiver), I'm going to wrap the boxes and put them under the tree. Otherwise the tree just looks lonely. Yes, I did buy wrapping paper. BUT, now I'm set for all Christmases in the future that I am single and alone.

I still had money left over, (I might shop but I still do it fairly frugaly), so I set up an appointment with a dermatologist for the 19th. I've been putting this off for years due to several excuses: "I don't have any insurance", "I don't have enough money", "I have no way to get there" but really the excuse was, "I'm too scared." Basically I'm gonna have to get some moles checked out. I've had a lot of moles on my back since I was a kid. Not ugly, horrifying witch type moles but cute little ones that I was told were beauty marks. However, they have changed in recent years and they must be looked at. I know this is going to cause me great pain while they cut them off to examine them for cancer. I am going to be positive and think to myself that I've had them all this time, changed or not, and I'm fine so I don't think they are cancerous but you know doctors...always gotta go cutting things off and looking at them more closely. BAH! But I have to do it.

Then today! GLORIOUS! At long last! I get to see the chiropractor. I haven't done this since 2003 and my excuses are rock solid but I'm not going to go into them because if I talk about this, it will give away who I am to people who I did NOT invite to view this site. There are exactly 7 readers who know me from another site and I'd like to keep it that way.

Back to my poor spine. I'm in serious pain. What I will tell you is that this is a result of an injury suffered some years ago. I got messed up pretty good. I haven't been to the chiropractor in too long and I'm really, really feeling it. I'm getting headaches daily which make me sick, I can't turn my head to the right to look in my blind spot while driving, I'm getting shooting pains down my arms, my legs hurt like...there are no words to describe it and I can't sleep for shit. But today, after x-rays and a history, I will hopefully get adjusted and feel so damn good I'll cry.

Then I also set up an appointment for the car to get an oil change, new fuel lines and figure out why in the hell it keeps acting like it's going to die when I'm in stop and go traffic. After that, my car should be perfect. I love my car. Oh, I need a new passenger side mirror and emblem no thanks to Wilma. This is an older car and of course it needed some work but I love this car and I want it to stay working and keep it for a long time. I even talk to my car. I tell it that it's doing a great job, almost home, it's okay, we're almost there, c'mon little car, you can do it. I'll get you in to the service station soon, I promise. And my car has done what I've asked of it so it's time to make good on the promise. (If you think talking to your car is ridiculous, just wait till you start having problems. Talk to your car...it will go that much further for you. I swear.)

Yesterday I went to the other job I mentioned in my dilemma in a previous entry and I think I really want to take that job. Therefore I had to do all of this while I had the money and insurance THEN I'll start at the new job. Of course I'll have insurance at the new job but of course there's always that waiting period which sucks. I really like the new job. Of course there are some things I don't really like about it but 95% of it I really like. At my current job, I only like about 5% of it. Most of that revolves around the money. I could die tomorrow....I think I'd rather have enjoyed myself and been a wee bit poorer than been miserable but had the money.

Although there are times, like right now, where money truly does buy happiness.

Smokey

The time has come. I'm just about ready. This time, I not only want to succeed, I need to succeed. Rather than wait for the New Year as an excuse to go after this goal, I'm starting now. Well, the first couple of steps anyway.

I'm talking about quitting smoking.

When I was a little kid I thought smoking was disgusting, vile and made fun of adults who did smoke. One time, when we were on vacation at Walt Disney World, I hung around with another kid and distinctly remember standing in line for the "Grand Prix" with him. There were two adults in front of us, puffing away on their cigarettes and I and the boy started mock coughing and choking behind them.

I smoked some when I was about 16-17 years old for the simple act of rebelling. I smoked approximately one cigarette a day, five days a week until one day, I don't know why, but I went to the movies one Friday night and another kid I knew offered me a smoke. I remember looking at that pack of Marlboros and feeling sick to my stomach. I denied the cigarette and did not smoke again until I was 18 and in the military.

There I picked up smoking again, and again it was to rebel. In basic training they take "total control" and you can't even have a fricken M&M if you wanted one. We took to buying Luden's Cherry Flavored Cough Drops as our candy and one girl always managed to sneak a pack of smokes with her purchases from the PX. I would bum one off of her once in awhile and we would smoke them in the showers. Doing it this way was smart because the steam from the hot water would cover the smoke, we immediately washed off the stench of smoke and we flushed the cigarettes down the toilet or down the shower drain. No evidence at all.

Of course I didn't smoke very much during training but when I got out, I took to smoking like a starving dog to garbage. I found myself smoking a pack a day and starting in on a second pack until I decided that was getting out of control and cut down. By the time I left the military I was smoking about 15 cigarettes a day. Some times more, some times less.

I went to college and cut it down to 5-7 a day and didn't think I had much of a problem. Yeah. Right. I never smoke more than a pack a day and most days I smoke about 10-15 a day and I told myself that by the time I was 30, I would have stopped smoking.

Well, that day has come and gone and I'm still fricken smoking. In fact, all this talk about it makes me want one. I have quit a few times in my life, as you can see above and also trying cold turkey. The last time I tried cold turkey I had a different site and I talked about it. I quit for 5 days. At the end of that five days I was the angriest son of a bitch you would ever come across. One of the steps to quitting smoking in a 12 step program is "tell your family and friends, co-workers that you will be quitting smoking and you will probably be in a bad mood." HA! Bad mood makes it sound like child's play compared to how angry I was. I was yelling at my pets, I was pissed off by the sounds of traffic, I hated everyone in the world and glared at the poor souls, I fricken hated!

I know now that cold turkey is NOT the way for me to quit. It does not work for me. The gum doesn't work, the patches don't work, I have yet to try the inhaler but it's prescription only and I'm lazy and cheap and don't want to spend all that time in the doctor's office just to have them deny me that remedy. So I'm going to cut down, taper off, as they say, and eventually be done with the damn things.

The first thing I have to do is figure out when I smoke and why. That's easy. I smoke when:

I drive
I drink
I am at the computer
I am talking to someone in person
On break at work

When I don't smoke is when I'm not on break, sleeping, in bed watching t.v. (that's a big rule with me, I refuse to allow myself to smoke in bed. I think it's disgusting, (yes I know how that sounds to non smokers), and I don't EVER want to fall asleep with a lit cigarette in my hand), when I'm eating, first thing in the morning and when I've found something else to do with my hands, usually creating something. (Although writing on my website doesn't fall in to this.)

When I first wake up, when I'm eating and when I'm in bed, I think smoking is disgusting. I think it's gross when other people do it. One time, I had a job in a hotel and on lunch break one of the chefs used to eat and smoke at the same time. I'll never forget one day I was eating some spaghetti and the chef came in with a plate of food and sat down at my table. I was absolutely mesmerized watching him take a bite of food and then dragging on his cigarette. I thought it was absolutely foul. I asked him why he did that and his excuse was that he didn't have enough time on break to do both individually. !!!!

The reasons I smoke are simple: boredom. I'm fricken bored. Yes, even when talking to someone at length, they tend to bore the fuck out of me so I'll smoke. Now, when I talk to someone I like, it has become habit to practically chain smoke while carrying on a conversation.

Now obviously if I was that angry after quitting for 5 days I do have to admit that I am addicted to nicotine, (something I denied for the longest time), in addition to knowing, this whole time, that what I'm more addicted to is the actual act of smoking.

The best way to change that is to change the habit. In the military I had a Lt. who told me that he quit by writing down every time he did smoke, over a week's time, and then started to smoke at the times it was inopportune for him to do so. Example, he would get out of the shower, half way through and force himself to smoke a cigarette. Well, to me that takes just as much willpower as going cold turkey and that way has not worked for me. It worked for him, fabulous, maybe it will work for others but not me.

I have to do the taper off method. I know exactly when I smoke throughout the day.

I have one just before leaving for work.
I have one somewhere along the way to work.
I have one when I get to work.
(This is all pscyhological mind you. In my mind I say to myself I have to smoke as many as I can since once I get to work I can't just up and have one whenever I want, I have to wait until my appropriate break time.)
I have one on my first break.
Two on lunch. (I used to have three.)
One on my last break.
One on the way home from work.
Depending on what I do when I get home, I may have anywhere from 3-7 cigarettes. If I decide to sit down and read other people's sites or play games on the internet, I'll smoke a lot. If I tell myself to crawl in to bed and watch t.v., I may only have one when I get home.

So what I'm going to try to do is not have the one before work, not have the one on the way to work, right now I'll stick with having the one before work, the ones on break and try not to have any on the way home from work. Doing this will cut down three cigarettes alone. To any non smoker that doesn't seem like much but to anyone who does smoke, they'll understand.

I don't drink much anyway so that will be easy. Just continue not drinking. Talking to others...well, there goes my social life. I will have to refrain from calling certain people, (hi Sail Girl), and will have to cut down on the time I spend on the internet. I've already been doing this and it's a hell of a lot easier to do now that I'm on dial up again. So, in a sense, Not the Pacific Ocean, the Other One Broadband did me a huge favor by being lazy, piss poor customer service people. Going back to dial up, while really not too bad, makes surfing the internet not nearly as fun so I tend to find other things to do now.

If I cut down my internet surfing, I'll cut down another approximate three cigarettes. That's a total of six cigarettes I'm not smoking every day. Again, non smokers may not understand how big that is. But that's almost reducing half of what I smoke now. To me? It's completely doable and not going to be all that hard.

Now then, not smoking on breaks at work? OY! THAT is going to be hard. However, because I have a different position at work these days I can pretty much take a break when I want to. Sort of. So what I'm going to try to do is start pushing my break back. I'll start by a half an hour or so. Maybe 15 minutes and work my way up until I just quit taking breaks altogether. (Except lunch where I am forced to clock out.) If I get it to just lunch time, that means only two cigarettes all day until I get home.

Get home, have one or at the most two and I've gone from 15 or so a day to four. By the time I get to this stage, I hope to be able to cut down the lunch to one cigarette and one at home. From 15 to two.

Two cigarettes a day. I am positive I can do this in at least two month's time. Then to totally quit is going to take a hell of a lot of will power. It will mean telling myself I can NEVER do it again. That's going to be hard. I hate denying myself things because as soon as I do, that's all I crave and that's when trouble starts. (Even if you are a non smoker, think "dieting" and what you go through. Same kind of thing with the denial of what you crave.)

Why do I want to quit smoking? It's not expensive. That isn't it. Cigarettes are cheap here. I spend about $500 a year on smoking. All at once that's a large amount of money but really, it's not that much money. I want to quit because I hate the smell. I smoke and I hate the smell. I'm disgusted when other people smoke. I'm already a hypocrite and I smoke. (Usually people who have smoked become hypocrites after they quit.) It causes serious health problems and I never want to have a voice box or get cancer or emphysema or all those other problems.

I'm too desensitized with that really. I've seen the pictures. In Canada, (I used to live very close to that country), I could get a pack of smokes and they would put photos of blackened lungs or something on the side or back of the pack. Didn't really phase me. I've seen the pictures elsewhere. It's trying to imagine MY lungs or heart or whatever looking that way that will motivate me to stop altogether. That's hard to do in this day and age where we see so much shit happen to other people. We all have to admit that we ARE desensitized. We just are. Every once in awhile something can shock us but even after that we grow complacent again until the next huge shocking thing happens.

Sooo, there it is. That is my big plan and I'll probably write about it a lot because it's important to me, I want to track my progress and maybe my journey through this will help any others who are thinking of doing the same thing.

Best of luck to me!

Mixture

I've become incredibly lazy lately. Actually, that's not true, I lied. I'm sorry. What I should have said is that I've become increasingly committed to many other things and lazy to posting. And fixing things and loading things and things computer related because I've found myself having problems with something and I can't seem to figure it out, (which is internet related), and it sucks the very joy of writing out of me and so I just sit here, staring at the screen thinking to myself:

"Maybe I should write something today. Eh, nah. Not until I get that other thing fixed. My motivation is gone."

So, there you have it. Every time I come to the internet I am reminded that something that is important to me elsewhere on the internet is fucked up and I don't know how to fix it and I'm not getting any help and it sucks and I hate.

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(Doxie isn't the only one who gets to use stars when she jumps around from topic to topic.)

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Recently I have discovered that despite how much I hate complaining, (oh shut up, I mean in real life, not on here), it does seem to work out for the good. Case in point:

At work...well, not to say too much about work but saying something about a situation that was beyond unacceptable landed me a promotion and pay raise. HA!

Example 2: Those douchebags? Downstairs? The ones who piss me off on an almost nightly basis because they suck? Yah, well, they pushed me too far and I finally said something to the landlord when I went in to pay my rent. I was merely going to complain about the douchebagginess of the neighbors and how rude and noisy they are but knew that if I made mention of just how many people are living there, I'd probably get heard.

Well. I started off by saying that I hate to complain and the lady said, "But..." and I think she was expecting a complaint about the apartment or some appliance or something so when I said, "The downstairs neighbors are really rude. I know that with five people living there..."

"FIVE people? FIVE?"

And thus my plan worked brilliantly and I didn't have to come off sounding like a whiny ass about noise although the few examples I have given here should tell you that what they do is beyond "normal living noises" and I have a case, regardless. SOoooooooooo.....

Those pricks got themselves a fat 7 day comply or get evicted notice and have to remove a few people from the apartment. And ya know what? They've been awful quiet since. And that makes me laugh. And I know that they know I reported them because the other night they were being extra spicy douchebags and I informed them (and about half the neighborhood), that perhaps a phone call was in order. Of course I threatened them with the INS but the landlord is a great place to start.

Tonight when I got home one of the soon to be evicted (either way) tenants was trying to annoy me by singing some stupid song outside my window so I sang back, "Who caaaaaaaaaares. You'll be gone in a weeeek you illegal douchebaaaaag! Buuuuuh BYE!" and he soon shut up. Don't speak a word of English my ass.

Complaining seems to work. Duly noted.

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Why does my cat always pick the exact moment I decide to write something to paw me to get up on to my lap and when I tell her no make me feel like the world's biggest jerk off?

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm very interesting.

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You know, they are STILL cleaning up after the hurricane. I forgot to mention in my last post a few of the things I did wrong. I bragged about what I did right but here is what I missed:

1) have enough cat litter because stores won't be open.

2) fill tub with water.

Now, this was innocent. See, no one had explained WHY I needed to do that and I thought it was for drinking and I'm all like, 'Hell no I'm not drinking water from the tub" because the tub is kinda gross...in fact, I had to paint over it because it's gross and I don't own this place so I'm not replacing it nor am I spending $300 on a tub liner so I got tub paint so I could at least stand to take a shower in it. It's okay to look at now but like hell if I'm drinking water from it that's been sitting in it for a week. Besides, I got plenty of water in the freezer.

But I was wrong. It is not for drinking. It was in case you lost water altogether and needed something to fill the toilet for flushing purposes. Oooooh! Luckily I did not have to learn the hard way. I learned from other people learning the hard way and calling the radio station asking how they were expected to flush their toilet with no water and the radio guy said, 'That's what the water in the tub is for.' Aaah. Now I don't have to look like an idiot.

3) Have cash on hand.

I did not do this. I did not need to this time, luckily, (again, she says), but I know for next time. Hi! No electricity means...guess......GUESS....no ATM NOR the ability to use the card at the store! Go me for being a genius!

4) Get the fuck out of town during a Cat2/3. This was a Cat 2 at times and a Cat3 at times..depending on what hour of the day you were looking for. After feeling my building shake so badly I wondered if it would collapse, I have decided that from here on out, if they say "Cat 2", I'm leaving. Again, I got lucky but I may have used up all my luck this go round.

Everything else I did right because I'm brilliant. Of course.

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Sometimes, when I'm watching CourtTV, they'll be talking about some psycho or another and I see traits in those psychos that I've seen in people who tried to be my friend in the past. Luckily, (there's that word again) for me, my instincts are very strong and I quickly figure out that something is off about the person and push them away. This happened again last night. There was this one psycho stalker (female) of another female and she, pscyho bitch that is, had a lot of similarities with a certain person I met when I first got here. And getting rid of that person was NOT easy. I actually had to change my phone number twice!

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Oh yah, I almost forgot. Dilemma:

Let's say you have a job that pays you very well and you are very good at it because, well, you're special and spectacular and highly intelligent so this job is actually really fricken easy and you can't believe they pay you what they do to complete each day's work in about three hours while your co-workers struggle through their work loads for days on end and no matter how many assignments you are handed all at once, them testing you ya see, you finish them all, all seven of them in two days and they are amazed and baffled at your incredible abilities and think you are, indeed, as you've been claiming all along, the cat's meow but you fucking despise the job because you hate corporate America and cubes and cheese bits as rewards and every day you wake up you are not happy about where you are headed even though you're pretty secure, financially.

Then along comes another job doing something you have always wanted to do, you would actually wake up and look forward to work, you would be happy all day because you would not have to work with people at all, those piles of lazy shit idiots that they are but would work with doggies and the pay is actually enough to live off of but you might have to work extra hours to equal what you are making now, like 8 more hours a week, and while the other job offers you that pay for only 38 hours a week, this glorious doggies all around job will make you work 48 hours a week to get in the salary neighborhood but not guaranteed to match, some days it might equal, some days it might be more and some days it might be less so you are not necessarily financially secure and by financially secure I mean, you can pay your bills and have enough left over to buy whatever the hell you want at the grocery store and still save just in case the car breaks again or your pet decides it wants to visit the vet or something, but maybe then again you would be....unless of course another hurricane season like this one hits. The job you hate pays you even if you don't work during and after hurricane and the job you know you would love you just don't make money and like probably won't for a week or so after because no one is thinking of their doggies and special things over "hey, fuck, my roof just blew onto my new car".

I'm having a very hard time deciding which job to take. Well, one I have but I am offered another. The other I would looooooooooove. Financially I would be fine but again, some weeks may be plentiful and some may be slimmer but never below what I need to live off of. The job I have now I'm guaranteed the wage and since I rule, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

What the hell do I do? Also note: I have no one or anything to fall back on if shit hits the fan. I am completely indepednent. Course, I have no bills either..meaning, no credit card bills and no debt. My bills consist of rent, electricity, satellite, internet, that kind of thing. Oh and car insurance. Even the car is owned. By me. Not the bank.

So...what would you do? Go for the abundance in finanacial security but hate or go for the looooooooooove and the cute doggies and worry a little bit during the slimmer times?