December 20, 2005

In Other News...

I've decided, after a nice vacation, that I'm going to go for the other job I wrote about in a previous entry. I had been stuck on this decision because I liked getting my fat paychecks from my current job and had, I guess, succumbed...or given up, really, on any hopes or dreams in an effort to remain financially stable.

The problem? My dad's words kept coming back to haunt my mind. About 10 years or so ago we were talking on the phone about my employment situation at the time, (I really liked drama and had taken classes at various schools to hone some skills and I loved nothing more than being on stage..and damnit! That's what I was going to do for a living!) I was growing so frustrated with them for not showing me any support at all hence this conversation we were having.

I finally decided to ask him what he had wanted to be when he grew up. I had always known, since I was five years old, when they put me in ballet and tap and I had a recital and fell in love with performing and being on the stage, that acting was what I wanted to do. Surely he would have had some dreams when he was young.

He told me that he wanted to be a Forest Park Ranger when he grew up and I was floored. I was floored that he didn't follow his dream. To know him is to know that being a Forest Park Ranger is exactly the perfect fit for him. I told him as much and said, "Why didn't you?"

He answered, "Because I had a family and obligations." I said that what he was telling me was that he sold out for the dollar. I continued that being a Forest Park Ranger would have been so right up his alley, that he would have been so, incredibly happy.

His reply?

"Well, I wasn't unhappy."

I never want to say that. I don't want to sit in my rocking chair at 90 years old, look back at my life and say, "Well, I wasn't unhappy." I want to look back at my life, all the hard times and the good times, the choices I made and how I chose to spend my days and say, "I'm glad I chose the path I did. I was very happy and still am."

Being away from work for two weeks I realized that I wasn't unhappy. I also wasn't happy there. Sure, I get a pretty cool schedule and sure I get paid way more than I should and don't have to work hard at all..AT ALL for it and sure, I'm positive they won't ever catch on that they are wasting money by not only paying me this amount for a job where I don't do shit but also two other people, and sure I get to sleep in every day and avoid all the horrifying rush hour traffic....but I cannot truthfully say that I'm happy.

Some people measure success by their paycheck and the things they have. I measure success by my happiness. I don't need a lot of things. Of course having a condo right on the beach with a big flat panel television and the best surround sound stereo and a new computer every year and a Mercedes 560 SL convertable, (black, white interior), and the best food and the ability to buy new clothes when something tears and paying my bills the instant they come in would be great...but the sacrifice I would have to make to get there wouldn't necessarily make me happy.

I still love the stage and I will eventually look to do some local theatre here but I no longer want to jet off to NY or Hollywood and be a famous celebrity because hello? Hollywood? Celebrities? Most of them are fucking stupid and fake and I just can't stand fake, stupid people. I do not think that someone is better than me simply because they have a fatter bank account than I do.

However, what I really want to do is work with animals. Granted I would love to work on an animal sanctuary or do something that makes a difference but in the meantime, I'll take any animal job. And that job today is the one I've been offered since August.

I thought while on my vacation about both jobs and realized how happy I was when I was not in the office. My mood was light, things didn't bother me as much, I felt freer, I felt healthier, I felt more alive. I watched Animal Planet and the Dog Whisperer on National Geographic and realized that the people who work around animals all day, to me? Were the luckiest people out there.

What cemented it for me is how I've been treated since I've been back to the office. My two co-workers are bitches and ignore me most of the day, although other co-workers in different departments are still cool and I will miss some of them. Then there is the fact that I was ignored by my own boss. When I came in, the first day back from vacation, I had nothing to do. Literally. Nothing. I sat there for two hours trying to find something, anything to do. The two bitches ignored me when I asked them what they were working on and my boss said he had nothing for me right now but would possibly later on.

Three hours went by. Four hours. Still nothing. I went on my lunch break and had not worked the entire day. And no one seemed to care. When I got back from my lunch break I jokingly asked one of the bitches if she missed me while I was gone, (stupid...I know!) and she said, 'No'. Okay then.

These two weeks were also the weeks that the company decided to do a whole lot of things. Now this is going to sound whiny and bullshit but hear me out. They decided to do a Secret Santa exchange but I was not there to sign up for it so I did not get to participate. Today they exchanged the gifts. A lot of people said, "I feel bad for you" but that was the extent of it. Yeah, I felt special today.

They also sent out invitations for the company Christmas party while I was gone and the deadline to RSVP was before I got back. My boss claimed that they had tried to call me, had left messages and everything! Funny, I don't have an answering service for my home phone number. It will just ring and ring so how did they leave a message?

In fairness they did try to get me my photo taken today but I declined because I just wasn't feeling festive anymore.

While I was gone everyone got a bonus. Guess who didn't get theirs?

Also while I was gone, they changed the schedule to fit the upcoming holidays. Guess who gets to work about 10 days in a row..the only person who has to do that because of the schedule? Everyone else gets all these days off...I get a fucking stretch of work days. With nothing to do.

I did make a proposal today and got to switch some of my days off so that's all cleared up but the underlying feeling of being forgotten couldn't escape me. This isn't a big company. This is a small company and it really can have a family feel to it sometimes and it was what made me like the place in the beginning. But some of the stuff that happened just made me feel not needed or wanted, to be truthful.

Now I said I know that sounds whiny and bullshit but listen to the difference here:

The prospective boss had sent me an email during the first week of my vacation. I had spent one of my days on vacation with his top person and he emailed me right after to ask how it went and when we could meet up again. Well, I was unable to respond to him until a week and a half later and when we did talk on the phone do you know what he told me?

Because I had not contacted him in any way, he grew concerned. So concerned because it was so unlike me not to respond that he was thinking of calling the police because he feared something happened to me. His wife talked him out of it stating that my lack of response was none of his business but listen to that.

He talked it over with his wife, at his home, about his concern and he's not even my boss! (Yet)

I was told by the girl I spent time with that he was so kind and considerate that he treated them like they were his own. So I ask you, which would you rather work for?

The company that says they are like family but forgets about you in so many things or the company who actually treats you like you are family and has geniune concern for you and you don't even work for them?

The company which pays you well to sit around all day and do nothing or the company which says, "You want work? You can work as much as you want, I'll throw you the work and you can make as much money as you want" and you are doing something you love?

Yah. Me too. So tomorrow I am meeting with the soon to be new boss and laying the plans on when, exactly, I'll be putting in my two weeks notice at the current job.

Every once in awhile I'll feel a twinge of guilt because the current company has been pretty good to me but then I'll remember two things:

Everyone exchanging gifts today, being excited and happy and feeling all Christmasy.

The bitch co-worker who ignores me all day and was happy when I wasn't there.

I don't need shit like that. So I'm going to leave soon and then I'll be a fuck of a lot happier...and? I'll have completed my goal. I made a goal some years ago that I would live next to the beach and have a job working with animals. I've got the beach part down...soon I'll have the animal job and then I'll know I have finally succeeded.

I cannot fucking wait.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at December 20, 2005 10:32 PM | TrackBack

Great!!! Glad you are going for it. Of course we will all have to have updates!

This sure seems like another great big step towards living your life on your terms. I'm proud of ya, anyhow!

Posted by: Jeffro at December 21, 2005 10:41 PM
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