And apologies were many. No matter how many times I said there was no need to apologize for something that happens, they kept coming.
And the person asked me to stay. There was no need for me to stay but they wanted me there. We had some serious conversations about the whole thing and it was explained that this was why things were so bad earlier....but not the reason why we broke up. "That was what that was."
Ok. If that was what that was, why was I asked to stay? If that was what that was, why did he hug me and kiss me and want to be with me, (didn't happen...it has never happened....let's get that straight), and be so sweet to me?
If that was what that was, why did he say, under his breath, while kissing me, "I lo....." before catching himself?
If that was what that was, why did he hug me and kiss me good bye the next morning?
If that was what that was, why is he suddenly so protective of me with a certain situation that is more annoying than scary, that has nothing to do with him but, surprisingly, does have to do with another man from a long time ago?
If that was what that was, then what the hell is going on right now?
I'm so fucking confused. If he doesn't want a relationship with me, just wants to be friends...why does he ACT like he wants a relationship with me?
If we were in our 20s, I would totally understand this. But we are not in our 20s. We have had life experiences and we are wiser and we have grown from them.
He's been hurt...badly...before. Is he just scared? What makes me so scary? Did I come across as needy or clingy? I'm trying to see where I might have done that but I don't. If anything I was very patient. I reacted to his attentions how he doled them out.
Did it move too fast? How do you, one day, say and act like you are really into someone and then 2 days later you pull out the line that you don't think it's going to work out?
That makes no sense at all.
So I go through the pain...OH MY GOD the pain! of it! I'm still not over the pain of it...it hurts that fucking much....not to be significant with this one....to have them tell me that they don't think it's going to work out but they still want to be friends....patiently wait while they went through something they don't have a lot of control over....and then have it come back to this.
He enjoys my company...he asked me to stay. He likes me and has mentioned this over and over again. He says he is still physically attracted to me.
Then what the fuck!
What the hell am I missing? Maybe I'm just too stupid or naive to understand anyone. I'm a pretty honest person....I say it like it is. I don't give mixed signals and I'm not good at reading them.
So I spend another day waiting...because that's what everyone says to do. "Wait and see what happens. If this person really means that much to you, have patience and time will tell all."
And here we are again....waiting to understand.