August 24, 2006

The Answer

So I finally know what is going on. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. There is a lot going on that I don't really want to explain because it's very personal to this person but now I have to be the rock, the strength, the confident, giving, patient one and wait for the darkness to lift and them to come out on the other side.

I've showed my support, I've offered myself and I've done and continue to do a lot of praying. For him, for me and for us.

I really hope God hears me.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at 07:42 AM | Comments (1112) | TrackBack

August 18, 2006

Very Confusing

Without revealing too much lest anyone happen upon this site, I will share a little of how things went down.

We had been dating, (or apparently going out?) for awhile and at first I tried to keep him at arm's length. When we did finally meet, he was all over it. He showered me with attention, he treated me like a princess, he showed me the best manners, said all the right things...and not stupid cheesy crap that you can tell when someone is making it up..he actually meant it.

So of course I decided to allow myself to be open and vulnerable to feeling something...feeling happy and hopeful and we got along perfect.

Most people would say that there must have been red flags. There must have been some kind of warning. The thing is? There wasn't! Four days before he laid the bomb on me, we had gone out to dinner, he promised next time we would have even more time together, he flirted with me, he was in to me.

I was shocked when he said he didn't think it was going to work out. When I asked him why, he said he didn't know why. Then he said he still wanted to be friends. Oh great, I thought. Not that line.

Very edited version, instead of leaving after "breaking up" with me, he stuck around for two more hours and we talked about it. I asked him if it meant I wouldn't see him as much or what and he said of course we would hang out all the time. In a nutshell, everything was going to be exactly the same as it always was. I asked him this and he said yes.

How much do I tell here? Well, screw it. We've never "done the deed" so it's not like this is a friends with benefits or having cake and eat it too or being used. I did mention that everything was the same except that he didn't want me like that anymore and he said I must be nuts because he does. He really likes me, went on and on about all the things he likes about me, told me that he is very physically attracted to me......but he said he didn't want a long term relationship with ANYONE.

Then why the hell did he come to me because he knew I did.

And he continued to hold my hand, he still kissed me on the mouth, he continued to tell me that he really likes me, he keeps making future plans for us to do things.....

I'm so fricken confused.

He's still very sweet to me, he still talks to me every day, he still gets proud of me when I do things that are bettering my life, he still roots for me, he still makes plans with me, he still wants me around.......I have NO idea what the hell is going on.

Is he scared?

I didn't tell him anything more than that I liked him and that was in response back to him when he told me that he really liked me a lot. I took every date in the moment...I enjoyed the moment. I didn't pressure him, I didn't ask "where are we going with this" I didn't ask if we were boyfriend/girlfriend...I just enjoyed his company and we had/have a great time. We are constantly laughing, we have such a good time together.

I'm so damn confused.

I don't make plans to do things, HE does. HE suggests things that we should do. Conversations are initiated mostly by me but he initiates them as well. If he can't do something with me for a few days, HE apologizes for it even though I've never given him shit for it, never pointed it out, never grown impatient, never asked him to anwer for it....I just go with the flow.

And I'm going to keep going with the flow because while I'm scared to hope and I'm scared that I'm an idiot and not seeing something or not hearing something, there is the other half of me that says he doesn't want me out of his life. There is part of me that says he is scared.

Maybe I'm a twit and all that but something tells me not to give up. Something tells me to wait....don't go anywhere. Something tells me it's not over.

I know how it sounds. Like I'm a stupid little girl who can't live in reality because it hurts too much but the thing about me is, it is MUCH easier for me to say, "Ok, that's it then. Reality is, he doesn't like me....accept and move on."

It's much harder for me to hang in there and have hope. No one I've talked to in real life, with all the facts, none of my commentary, just the facts, believes for a second that he truly wants this to be over.

And I'm so damn confused.

Time tells all. So I will wait and see what happens.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at 08:11 PM | Comments (676) | TrackBack

August 14, 2006


is broken. He got in too deep and now he is pulling back. He mentioned something about how long we had been going out. I didn't even know we were going out. I thought we were dating. He had introduced me as a friend a month or so earlier...when did that change to girlfriend? I wasn't informed.

Then he decided that I was the one who was in too deep and got scared. But he's not really backing out because he's still here.

I'm so damned confused. I think I love this guy. FUCK!

Will he ever conclude that he feels very strongly for me and that maybe this "being friends" thing isn't what he wants after all.....that he does want more?

I don't know. So...until I find out, I'm in pain. Probably some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at 07:37 PM | Comments (306) | TrackBack