May 26, 2005

What Am I Missing?

It seems Shaq has been doing a little studying and working with some of the police in the Miami area in relation to his future desired employment. You see, he has decided that when he gets done playing basketball, he's going to be an undercover cop.

Um. Where?

He's 7 fricken feet tall for one and for another, he's Shaq, people. Even if you don't follow basketball, which I do not because it bores the ever loving hell out of me, you know who the hell Shaq is. He doesn't exactly blend in. You know what? If you are a criminal and you get caught in a sting operation where Shaq is the undercover agent? You are far, far too stupid and should go to jail an extra 20 years just for being an idiot.

No segue because I don't feel like thinking one up.

In Canada, (our friendly neighbors to the north who love to claim that everything is right with their country and systems of government...pshyah, right), apparently if you are suicidal, you can only be so during the hours of 9-5. Because that's when most people get suicidal isn't it? Sure! No one downs a bottle of booze in one sitting, scarfs a few pills and then contemplates their life in the darkness of their living room at 3 in the morning. No, they all do it in the happy sunshiny daytime!

I can just see it now. Prince Edward Island. A lone individual has been sitting in their apartment all afternoon, contemplating suicide. They pick up the phone to call the suicide hotline. The time is 4:55pm:

Depressed Person: Sob! My life sucks! Everyone hates me! I should go eat some worms! Then I'll kill myself because I ate worms and everyone hates me! Sniff. I'll show them! I'll just kill myself! They'll be sorry then won't they? Assholes! Life sucks! I hate everyone and everyone hates me! God I need to talk to someone.

::dials phone::

Canadian Suicide Hotline: Welcome to Prince Edward Island's Suicide Hotline. For suicides, press 1. For all other inquiries, press 2 or stay on the line and an operator will assist you shortly.


"....Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking......"

Depressed Person: OH MY GOD!

Five minutes later....

Canadian Suicide Hotline: Thank you for holding unfortunately our business is currently closed for the day. Please call back Monday through Friday between the hours of 9am to 5pm and someone will assist you. If this is a real emergency, please hang up and dial the police. Thank you and have a nice day! [click]

Depressed Person: BANG!

Brilliant! Bloody fucking brilliant! Bravo Canada! And do you know why Canada is doing this? Because the government doesn't think there are enough people threatening suicide to warrant the need for a 24 hour hotline. And they say Americans are heartless.

Speaking of disgusting displays, I see that I'm not the only one who thought that appearance by Tom cruise on the Oprah Winfrey show within the last week was embarrassing to watch. I don't normally watch Oprah for the simple fact that most of the time I just am not around to see it. (I do think she does a great job getting some much needed messages out and it's way cool that she fulfills dreams for people.)

However, I found myself watching it one afternoon and there was Tom Cruise. I've never been a fan of Tom Cruise. I think he's an idiot, frankly and he's a freaking nut job for believing in Scientology. Still I watched. Why did I watch? Because the commercials right before hand showed him acting like a comlete and utter dork.

I was not let down. During the entire show he acted like a buffoon. He was falling to his knees, clenching his fist in an "Oh YEAH!" gesture and basically acting like he'd just had sex for the very first time in his life. He did indeed jump around on Oprah's couch and honestly? I wondered if he was on drugs.

You see, Tom claims that he is just so, oh so, so very much in love with Katie Holmes that he can't control himself. I think it's great when someone finds love and is giddy and happy but show a modicum of restraint! Having said that, I've always thought that the pairing was really odd and a little disgusting considering how much older than her he is. I know, age doesn't matter but what the hell? He went from classy Nicole to cutie Penelope to kinda homely, barely out of her teens, Katie?

And he's jumping around on couches in front of millions of people? I was embarrassed for him, the people watching, myself, Oprah, Katie, everyone. It truly was a sickening display. And it appears some PR people are agreeing...

HE's leaping on couches! He's smooching for the cameras! He's swearing to Reader's Digest, "I love women"! He's . . . " . . . nutso!" says an A-list celeb publicist who can't believe the embarrassing display Tom Cruise has been putting on to hawk his little-believed romance with Katie Holmes. "The Oprah segment made me want to puke." ...

..."He's become a joke"

"I've heard of over-the-top, but there's no top here. This is as phony as anything Hollywood could create, and he's probably gonna announce his engagement to
Pamela Anderson next week. I get the Oprah audience...but it just smacks of phoniness. It cuts into his value on every level."

This publicist notes that Cruise's behavior might be less cringe-worthy if he were 17.

"I hate to be cynical but, past a certain age, you don't get that in love. I mean, jumping on couches? It seems like he's off his rocker. There's something meshuga here."

I completely agree. Nonetheless, while it really was nauseating to see, the fact that I do not like Tom Cruise and think he sucks total ass as an actor, I would be very happy if this totally destroyed his career and he was never allowed to be in a movie again. See? There's always a bright side to everything.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at May 26, 2005 09:12 PM

I thought Canada was a sort of bleeding heart liberal place - maybe not eh - or just when it suits them.

Posted by: Ruth at May 26, 2005 09:33 PM

Nicole is probably sitting at home saying "thank God I got rid of that psycho when I did" What a Total nut job! Has he totally lost it? I'm sorry, I'm confused, is he on something??? He needs rehab.

Posted by: SailGirl at May 27, 2005 01:05 AM

If you're going to have an eight hour suicide hotline... shouldn't the hours be from like 7 PM to 3 AM?

That'd cover the "I just got home and I hate my job" suicides. And the "that bitch said she'd call but she never did" suicides. Not to mention the "it's 2 AM and I'm still awake thinking about my bills" suicides. That's the full gamut, right?

Posted by: Maine at May 27, 2005 08:54 AM

Ruth: It would appear so wouldn't it?

SailGirl: I was thinking the same thing. Nicole is probably thanking her lucky stars right now.

Maine: You are not allowed to be funnier than me on my own site.

I'm just kidding. Your writing always cracks me up and you are more than welcome here anytime.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf at May 27, 2005 07:36 PM
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