Nomen Est Omen

There Are No Victimless Crimes

From the police blotter:

Date and time: On or around October 7, 2005 5:30pm
Victim: S. Faolan Wolf
Incident: Attempted burglary and arson
Suspect: One black feline

Police have arrested a black, male feline in connection with a burglary and arson attempt at the residence of an S. Faolan Wolf. He was taken downtown and booked into the Cat County Jail. The incident occurred at approximately 5:30pm on the 7th of October, 2005. An innocent victim was in her home when the suspect allegedly attempted to steal from her and set her house on fire.

Witness statement:

"I was sitting at my desk playing computer games when I noticed a peculiar smell. It smelled like electric or burning hair.

Next to my desk is the a/c unit and a fan that were both going so I decided to turn them off. I sniffed around seeing if that might be the source of the smell but again, couldn't really decipher if it was. I decided to take the filter out of the a/c and clean it just for safety's sake, (do this once a month anyway), and as I made my way out to the living room, I noticed the smell got stronger.

I said to myself, 'Self! Where is it coming from? Is it my apartment? Someone elses?' I followed the scent into the kitchen where I discovered one of those fucking irritating, hate them with a passion, knobs on the gas stove turned on and the gas and flame going on a burner.

'Tha hell', I thought? 'I didn't turn that thing on! Do I have a ghost? How does a gas stove just turn itself on? I hate these damn things!' I then quickly put two and two together, really before I consciously realized my thought and turned to look at the suspect who is notorious for trying to get into the trash.

He was sitting on the couch, staring at me, acting innocent. As I walked closer to him, the smell of burning hair grew stronger. I picked him up and investigated him. That cat's underbelly fur was all singed up. I felt around and poked and prodded him to see if he yelped in pain and looked for burnt flesh but it appears all he did was singe a great portion of his fur. He said nothing to me, only stared. He tried to act like he had done nothing but the evidence was there. It's so sad, really. I've known him since he was a wee lad and it's gut wrenching to see him turn to a life of crime."

The investigation reveals that said cat, on the 7th of October, allegedly did jump up on to the gas stove to get to the garbage in order to steal from the victim. In the process of his burglaring, he set the gas stove alight and almost caught himself and the apartment on fire. The victim states that it's a "damn good thing" she played hooky from work today as she wouldn't have normally been home for another 4 hours.

Said cat was treated at the scene and released to authorities. As the officer's hauled the suspect away, he was noted to have yelled out something about contacting the Rev. Jesse Jackson and something about a deck of race cards. His trial begins on Monday.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at October 7, 2005 05:57 PM | TrackBack