Nomen Est Omen

Winners We Have To Choose From

I have a confession to make. Some time ago I put a personal ad on Craig's List. Yep. I got a lot of responses and met three people after talking to them for a bit. The very first one I met I actually liked and had a good time with but alas, he never called again. That kinda stung. (Perhaps I shouldn't have kicked his ass so hard in air hockey.) The other two were pretty cool and were fun to hang out with but the chemistry just wasn't there. I've not put another ad in and I don't know that I will do that again because I really did it just to see what would happen and if I made a friend out of the whole thing, that was a bonus.

Anyway, periodically I read through the personals because I find it highly entertaining. I read the chick ones not because I want to date chicks but for the laughs, (there are some funny ladies out there), and I read the guy ones because any time I might think I'm feeling a little lonely, these ads remind me how great it is not to be hooked up with any of them.

First of all, here's a helpful little tidbit: If you put an ad in the paper seeking a special someone, do not, under any circumstances, place a photo of your sweaty, nasty ass and expect positive feedback. Example

**Here we have a tired, boring ad filled with the same crap every other guy writes. What they're looking for:

"Someone (ladies only) who is goal driven"

Does it matter what goals he is talking about? I have a lot of goals. Example, I have a goal to make it to the weekend without going off on anyone over the phone at work. I have a goal to finish this cigarette I'm currently smoking. I have a goal to eventually go to bed tonight. I have a goal to clean the cat litter tomorrow...I'm very goal driven.

"...enjoys humor and fun..."

Well count me out! I hate humor and fun! Can't stand it. In fact, I don't know any girl who likes humor and fun. What kind of freak is this guy?

"...lives life to the fullest..."

What the fuck exactly does that mean? "Lives life to the fullest." That's like that stupid line, "knows what life is all about"...really!? Someone knows the answer? I think scientists and religious scholars have been looking for that answer for years and this genius comes along and demands you know the answer before he'll even consider going on a date with you.

"... down to earth..."

Thank God for the power of gravity. In reality, this is to be read as such: "I'm not spending a dime on you, ever. Not even on your birthday...GOLD DIGGER!"

"...open minded..."

You'll do whatever I want and if you don't agree with it, you're too closed minded, ie: freaky sexual positions.

"...like doing new things..."

I think most people enjoy staying in a rut. Try something new? What kind of crazy talk is that?!

**Maybe I'm too picky but damn I can't get past certain things in ads, like poor grammar:

"Hello, I am looking to meet a great lady who is intelligent, attractive and athletic, with a great sense of humor, and that is looking to meet an exceptional man who is ambitious, educated, traveled, athletic and funny . . ."

blah, blah, blah, run on sentence, blah, blah, blah.

"I am 31 years old, I enjoy traveling and learning from new people and cultures. On my spare time..."

On my spare time? ON my spare time?

"...I enjoy outdoor sports, mountain bike, running and water sports."

Er...I thought mountain biking, running and water sports WERE outdoor sports. That's like saying "I like sleeping in rooms, bedroom, living room, and on beds in rooms."

"...At the beginning I can be a little quiet, but once you get to know me, you will recognize that I like to express my feelings, take emotional risks, and I am always hoping to get the best out of every venture."

Translation? "I'm a fucking psycho who holds everything in until you've stuck around for a few dates. Then I let loose all of my emotional baggage onto your shoulders. When it goes badly after that, I'll blame it all on you and add another carry on to my heaping pile of luggage I've yet to sort through. Won't you be my armchair psychologist?"

"...In hopes of getting to know each other where it may possibly lead to something special, please reply with a picture and I will be more than happy to forward mine."

"Allow me to judge you before I ever say word one to you."

**Ooh, here's a real winner:

"I am in search of a sexy, witty, kind, and funny mature female for a long-term relationship."

YAWN!

I am a 33 year old male, in the Coral Springs/Margate area, conveniently located near highways, beauty salons, swanky boutiques, and malls.

I actually find that sentence to be funny. Too bad he doesn't continue like this.

What I'm looking for is a thick (or shapely thin),well-proprtioned woman with smarts and a sincere sweetness...

I likes my wimmin wif smarts! Thick and sweet, just like my syrup!

...she must be prepared to wear dresses and heels, or skirts and tank tops as required.

As required? Excuse me? Does this fruit cake realize that a "woman with smarts" will wear whatever the fuck she wants to wear and not what this guy "requires" her to wear?

She must have the ability to release the anger and mistrust from the past and have confidence in me as her possible mate, regardless that I'm a man.

I...just can't even form a ...I have no words for this.

She must possess excellent command of smiles...

I command you to smile! SMILE damn you! I said "smile" you fools!

This position is full-time, weekdays/nights and weekends. The contract offered comes with a revolving renewal clause. Reviews will take place every February 13th. There is great possibilty of advancement based solely on loyalty, lack of selfishness and my patended "passion factor" rating. this "passion factor" will be explained only in the interview...

only resumes WITH PICTURES included will be considered.

for all white and latin applicants, I am a EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.

Oh goody! I get to apply and every year go through a performance review to see if I'm up to his expectations and standards. Will I get a fucking raise? How much vacation time away from this job will I get each year? What's the name of his superior in case I have complaints about the working conditions?

If you think I am being too hard on him allow me to inform you that he later wrote again in another ad....slightly bitter:

Ladies...Looking 4 A Nice Guy, huh? Bull***t!! - 33

ME ROWR!

Thats a shame. "Where are the nice guys at?" "Where are the normal men?" Blah, blah, blah. I have had only 2 responses this week.

It's not because we don't want to meet nice men, it's because we don't like the idea of being interviewed and reviewed as if dating you were a job.

One question for all you women online looking to meet a man: If you can give that loser ex-man of yours 2 or 3 years of your life, why cant u give me 5 minutes of your time to find out about me? Just think about that, before you create ads asking "Where are the good men?" Ridiculous!..lol. I'll tell you where he is...you know the ad you keep ignoring? Thats probably him. So keep looking for Brad Pitt, or Tyson Beckford. We will all be on craigslist for the next 10 years if you keep this up.

Wow! I've seen 4 year old girls have milder tantrums than this guy. Dude..settle down. Rewrite your personal ad to something a little less business like and have patience. And do not lash out at the general public because you don't think you got enough attention. It's fucking Craig's List.

There are many...MANY more like this or worse. Perhaps I'll make this a weekly thing...call it, "This Week's Top 3 Desperate Douche Bags".

Update: Well, well, I think we have this week's winner. This guy is seriously desperate.

Jeeeeeeeeesus! No wonder I'm still single.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at September 23, 2005 02:47 AM | TrackBack