June 11, 2005

When Animals Get Pissed

It never ceases to amaze me that some people get paid to write when they write such classicly bad sentences such as the following which came from this story about a cow that killed a man.

The very first sentence in the report:

Nigerian police have arrested a cow that killed a bus driver who was urinating on a highway, a police spokesman said Thursday.

If you missed it, read it again.

Now then, please tell me, because it's not quite clear, was the cow urinating on the highway or was the bus driver urinating on the highway? I mean, if it was the bus driver, perhaps the cow has good cause for attacking the bus driver.

Cow: Yo! Punk! Why you gotta use my backyard for your urinal? That shit ain't down with me! I'm sick of you punk ass bitches soiling up my neighborhood!

Bus Driver: Piss off, cow.

Cow: That's it! I'm about to get medieval on your ass! (Bellows)

And then? They arrested the cow. Tha hell? How do you arrest an animal? Did they put him in hoof cuffs? Will he serve time? How many years does a cow get for murder? Will there be a trial? Who will serve on the jury of his peers?

Well, we know it won't be these two little kittens who tried to burn down their human's home by peeing on the fax machine.

Two kittens picked the wrong place to relieve themselves when they urinated on a fax machine, sparking a fire that extensively damaged their Japanese owner's house.

Investigators in the western city of Kobe have concluded that the fire in January was caused by a spark generated when the urine soaked the machine's electrical printing mechanism.

Hmmm. I have two cats of my own. Perhaps I'd best sleep with one eye open for awhile.

Wait a minute. I've read Animal Farm! I see what's happening here. Shit people. We're totally screwed.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at June 11, 2005 05:30 AM
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