Nomen Est Omen

And The Winner Is...

Because it is Memorial Day I do not feel like thinking up my own topic. Therefore I am going to swipe an idea from this guy and then ask you to tell me what you would do.

Before I begin, I would like to say a little something about Maine's website. There happen to be a number of humorous websites out there for us all to read and some of them are funny, some of them are ok and some have been ruined when the main writer decided to turn the blog into a group blog adding authors I never found entertaining at all. I'm quite particular about who I will endorse as a "very humorous" blog anymore because of this.

Then one day I found Maine's site. (Thanks JJ) I have read through his entire archives and there has not be one, single entry that has not made me laugh out loud at some point during my reading. I don't mean a mere chuckle. I don't mean a smile spread across my face. I mean the guy is so fucking funny that I actually laugh out loud. Usually it's a guffaw more than a melodious laugh but the point is, he's got it. So, I highly suggest you start reading him.

Moving on, some of what he was talking about today was winning or coming into millions of dollars. It appears that Maine and I share the same mind set when it comes to what we would do with ourselves if we did find ourselves wealthy misers.

I've heard the same things he has, and I'll bet you've heard these things as well. People, (pessimists as far as I'm concerned), will make ridiculous claims that I'll get bored. I'll want to work. I'll find life harder should I ever be a millionaire. Idiots. I think those people are boring, uncomfortable with themselves, need constant outside stimulation and don't have the creativity necessary to fully enjoy millions of dollars and therefore should never be allowed to win money, have money willed to them, handed to them, discover it, whatever. The only riches they deserve are their monotonous lives.

The very first thing I would do is ensure that the money cleared my account before I started celebrating. Once that was a sure thing, I would spend the first year as a millionaire seated in bed. I would hire one person to do any future hiring for me. They would hire someone to fluff and prop my pillows on demand, clean my house, pay any bills and restock my Oreo and milk supply as well as other goods. I would watch television all day long and eat. I would not answer emails, the phone or the door.

The next thing I would do is buy the entire building I live in and get rid of all the noisy, messy tenants in the building, (namely the ones with the screaming children). I would not move as I like where I live. I may add in some little things here and there but I actually like my apartment...which would of course now be my condo as I would change them into condos and charge ridiculous amounts for them. I can do that where I live...people are suckers because of the water.

After that I would convince, (meaning, buy my way in to), the local police station that I would do the city a great service if they would give me a badge and a ticket book and I would sit outside on the front steps of my building and write a ticket for every flaming asshole who blares their bass as they sit at the stoplight just outside my building. I would not hire a cop to do this because I want to be the one who hands them that ticket with an evil sneer across my face watching them stutter and try to talk their way out of it. Wrong! You think you're Snoop Dogg? You get a ticket asswipe! Eventually word would get around and people would start being the hell quiet around my living area.

Then what I would do is work in several restaurants, hotels and bars again. This time, however, I would not have to remain quiet and take their shit because I would not have that little voice in the back of my head telling me to bite my tongue, I need this job, gotta pay rent, want to finish school. I would lay into those rude, demanding, obnoxious customers whenever the mood struck me. I would tell them that the customer is not always right, that most of the problems they are encountering are their own damn fault for not researching what they can and cannot have or do, that the nickel they left on the counter after I served them drinks all night can find its way straight up their ass and that they need to calm their spawn down.

Since I know I would be fired from every single job, I would see how many jobs I could get fired from before tiring of this game. In the meantime, I have vocalized what many of us wish we could do and say but cannot or don't because we are at the mercy of money and maybe some people in this world would learn a thing or two about being considerate of people around them.

How in the hell is that boring?

Eventually people would keep the noise down, have consideration for their fellow man and start exhibiting manners. So you can see that making me a millionaire is actually good for society. I'll fight those battles for you. You may email me and let me know how much you're going to donate toward my cause, (the cause of making me a millionaire), and I'll be sure to privately thank you once I reach that goal. Remember, I'm doing this for you.

Now, I'm curious, if you found yourself a millionaire tomorrow, what would you do? (Besides give it to me.)

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at May 30, 2005 05:17 PM