April 27, 2005

Earth Day Fools

Hollywood celebrities are so wise. So knowing. So in tune with nature. We should all listen to them and heed their advice and warnings because they know what they're talking about. Just listen to Selma Hayek who was invited to spend Earth Day with the Inuit:

"We are committing, in our civilization, suicide," Hayek announced. "All we have to do is listen to the land, which is sending us messages on how to survive and how to self-destruct. . . . We are going to have to deal with the consequences of our lifestyle. Go talk to the ice, go talk to the wind, go talk to the ocean. There's no negotiation here."

In fact, Ms Hayek is so concerned about global warming and the environment that she "trekked" on up to the Inuit in her Millionaire Airlines Learjet provided to her by the Natural Resources Defense Council and Global Green.

Wind? Ice? Ocean? Land? Anyone? Bueller? What say you about this mode of transportation? Hello? Hmm. Must be a private interview between Hayek and nature. Well it's a good thing she's not a hypocrite. Boy would that have been embarrassing!

We move on from Hayek to Drew Barrymore and her chatty sidekick Cameron Diaz. You know, some people in this world spout out the most ridiculous statements without realizing just how retarded they look but thankfully that's not the case with Cameron and Drew.

MTV has decided to push their agenda air a show called "Trippin'" (which sends various celebrities to some of the poorer countries in the world), in order to cattle prod educate the herd masses about Earth Day and Barrymore and Diaz couldn't wait to jump on board to show how earth friendly they truly are, how they "act and think globally".

Let's start off with Drew "Every life experience I've ever had can be described with the word 'Incredible' which I overuse and abuse on a regular basis" Barrymore:

Actress Drew Barrymore, who reportedly earns $15 million a film, told MTV viewers in one episode that after spending time in a primitive, electricity-free Chilean village, "I aspire to be like them more."

Yes! Let's all aspire to live in poverty! Excellent idea! Incredible!

"I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."

It was incredible! (stick tongue half way out of mouth when pronouncing the "L") Shitting in the woods is great fun! Who needs sanitation?

Diaz had a few wise words herself:

The 32-year-old Diaz, who earns a reported $20-million a movie, boasted that the cow-dung slathered walls of a Nepalese village hut were "beautiful" and "inspiring," and she called the primitive practice of "pounding mud" with sticks to construct a building foundation "the coolest thing."

Diaz also criticized the lifestyles of many Americans after visiting an indigenous village in Chile. "It's kinda gotten out of hand how much convenience we think we need," she said.

Diaz is more than welcome to fork over her money to me since she obviously feels so guilty about having too much. It's not like she needs all that money! Poo is free! She can fling Barrymore's poo all over her mansion walls at home! Act globally! Fling your friend's poo, your dog's poo, the neighborhood cat's poo all over your walls and live in shit after you hand over your millions! Hot damn! How great it is!

Despite the celebrities' praise for the primitive life, "Trippin'" shows them flying on multiple airplanes and chartering at least two helicopters and one boat to reach remote locations over the course of the first four episodes.

The series also showed the celebrities being chauffeured to the airport in a full-size Chevy SUV -- despite several on-screen, anti-SUV factoids noting how environmentally unfriendly SUVs are.

Oops. Oh wait, I guess they needed the airplanes, helicopters and chauffers...all the better to think and act globally my dears. I mean, one could take the bus to the airport or they could, I don't know, walk there....Barrymore thinks walking is great:

Barrymore praised the Chileans living in a remote, electricity-free village as "people who are walking the walk and doing it [environmentalism]; they teach me so much."

I suppose Barrymore is flying the fly and driving the drive? SUVing the SUV?

Let's get back to Diaz because she's obviously the wisest of all Hollywood Celebrities:

"My favorite thing about Bhutan is they measure their country's wealth, not based on dollar amount but on gross national happiness...That is so awesome. I like Bhutan...[they have] maintained a careful balance of Old World tradition and modern convenience...Life moves at a different pace here in Bhutan...The fusion of religion, tradition and a genuine respect for the environment give the whole country a peaceful balance."

Nothing says peaceful and happiness like dying! Woohoo!

[Bhutan] has one of the highest infant mortality rates (103 infant deaths per 1,000 live births) and lowest life expectancies (54 years) in the world.

According to CIA estimates, Bhutan has one of the world's smallest and least developed economies, with the country's 2-million people surviving mostly on the crops they grow themselves.

YAY! They're starving and dying! How awesome! That's the coolest thing ever! I'm so jealous! I want to be just like them! They inspire me! I don't want to have sanitation, clean running water or food! Let's all scrap our unnecessary electricity and supermarkets, indoor plumbing and medicine so that we can live in filth, starve and die prematurely, fling poo at each other and shit in the woods spreading disease! Way fucking cool! This lifestyle totally rules! WHEE!

This is so much fun I can't figure out how to end this post! I guess I'll let this guy's words do it for me:

"There's something perverse and immoral when multi-millionaire Hollywood celebrities head off on junkets in the jungle - and then preach to us lesser mortals about the joys of the simple life, and how we should protect the Earth, conserve energy, prevent global warming, and help the poorest people on our planet continue 'enjoying' their poverty, malnutrition and premature death," Paul Dreissen, author of Eco-Imperialism: Green power/Black Death told Cybercast News Service.

"Life in these developing countries is still nasty, brutish and short. And that there is a reason our parents and grandparents worked so hard to create modern homes and hospitals and technologies, so they could leave behind the unsafe water, dung fires, pollution, rotted teeth, infant mortality and life expectancies half or ours," said Driessen.

"This entire MTV series totally glosses over the hardships and premature death that is right before their eyes. Even mentioning these facts would obviously get in the way of their ideological message, and their determination to turn [MTV viewers] into little ventriloquist's dummies for the sustainable development movement," Driessen explained.

Oh yah, reality. At least Diaz and Barrymore won't have to face that reality as they return to their million dollar homes and fat bank accounts which affords them all those "unneccessary" conveniences.

But hey! Shitting in the woods was fun! I bet they can't wait to tell their grandchildren. All hail the Hollywood celebrity! They sure get it don't they?

[sources: Hayek story: WaPo Diaz and Barrymore's Excellent Shitting Adventures: CNS News.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at April 27, 2005 05:55 PM

I wish I were a Hollywood celebrity so I could "educate" the world. So sad! I just read today, that Cameron Diaz bought 4 pairs of jeans at $200 a pop. $800 in jeans? JEANS? I'm a big spender if I buy 2 pairs of my $25 Old Navy jeans. Wow, I really need to learn how to live in poverty from these people.

Posted by: SailGirl at April 28, 2005 04:51 PM

Aren't these people ridiculous - they couldn't last 1 day without electricity. It's just like Marie Antionette "Let them eat cake".

Posted by: Ruth at April 28, 2005 08:48 PM

Oh Shiznet. You know, when they give up jetting to a "really super cool beach" for a weekend with rock or pop-star boyfriend, and start staying in super 8's instead of 3,000 dollar a night hotel rooms, maybe I'll listen to what they have to say about the rest of the world. They have plenty of money to make a major difference, yet I just hear of them flappin' their mouths about mundane crap, and situations they don't really seem to dip their pedicured toes into.

Posted by: mary at April 30, 2005 01:05 AM

SailGirl: I guess Diaz quickly forgot about how cool it was to live in shit. How convenient for her.

Ruth: You aren't kidding. That's exactly what it's like.

Mary: Agreed. It's why I am such a fan of....oh crap...what's her name...Sandra Bullock? Is that it? The one who donated 1 million dollars to the tsunami victims? After she did that and got attention, THEN all the other idiot celebrities decided to donate. Can't let someone steal their precious spotlight! Fricken hypocrites!

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf at May 3, 2005 01:19 AM

Y'know, I agree wholeheartedly, we should all go live in a mud shack out six miles past the ass-end of the middle of nowhere, and eat dirt and die by the time we're 24 from some deadly-yet-easily-curable-by-modern-science disease...

If only people had the brains to realise this....

Just one question: If I have no power, how will I play Counter-Strike?

Hrmph, I'm sure I can burn cow dung for fuel...

Posted by: Shadow at July 31, 2005 03:25 AM

Wow, I just ate a peanut butter sandwhich on a stale hot dog roll, my electricity is shut off because we cant pay so i have no air during the heat wave, i could name 50 other things that make me poor, but I guess these fucking hypocrites forgot, POVERTY EXIST IN AMERICA! U DUMB FUCKS!

Posted by: Jenny at August 1, 2005 11:27 AM
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