Nomen Est Omen

Oy Mi Cabeza!

I'm so stupid. Stupid! Sometimes I can't believe the stupid things I do. Take today for instance. Ok, first, back track:

I do not drink coffee. I do not like the taste. I love the smell but the taste, no matter what shade or brand or flavor, is all bitter to me. I can add sugar but I have to add so much sugar I may as well just eat the sugar and leave the coffee behind. Got that? I hate coffee. I do not drink it.

Back to present day:

So, my brilliant move today was to drink some coffee. That may not seem like such a big deal but this was not normal coffee. See, we are in training this week and next and sometimes it is really hard to stay awake in class especially when the trainer turns the lights off so that we may better see the Windows display on the wall. I, as well as many other classmates, have had to fight off sleep many a time but today was bad for all of us.

Therefore, at about 2:30pm today one of the ladies went to the break room and came back with some coffee and was handing it out in little tiny cups, like those cups you get for ketchup at a fast food joint if you eat in the restaurant, to everyone on our side of the room. As I was losing my battle and about to find myself smacking my face on the desk as I crashed to sleep, I decided to take one. Even though I don't drink coffee, I thought, idiotically, "Well, it's just a small amount, it shouldn't hurt."

The problem? The way this lady made the coffee made it really good. It was so good that I decided perhaps I could become addicted to coffee afterall. Yes, that good. So on next break I asked how to make it, (you see, I don't drink coffee...did you miss that part? So why would I know how to make it?), she showed me and I filled up a styrofoam cup of the stuff and walked back to the class room.

Apparently the little tiny ketchup cups did not register with me as to how foolish this action might be. I drank about half of it before anyone decided to clue me the hell in.

I was then told that I was drinking CUBAN coffee. I casually sipped more from the cup as I inquired what was so special about Cuban coffee. Sip, sip. Blink innocently. What? What's so funny guys? Um...guys? Why are you laughing? Sip, sip.

I was then informed.

Ever wonder why Cuban coffee is served in such small cups? Ever wonder why you don't see anyone walking around with a 32 oz mug of Cuban coffee? It's like getting a caffiene IV and even experienced coffee drinkers know better than to gulp down more than an ounce or so of this stuff at a time. And it's fivehundredthousand times worse for someone who NEVER DRINKS FUCKING COFFEE or caffiene at all for that matter.

So my fellow class mates were having a blast talking about how wired I was going to be so very, very soon; laughing at my coffee naivety. You see, I drank about 10 oz of this stuff before anyone informed me of what I was doing.

Well I'm not hyper, I'm not wired, I'm not anything except in serious pain. Pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

I could have every inch of my skin grated off with a cheese slicer and feel less pain.

I could pour lemon juice straight into a thousand paper cuts all over me and feel less pain.

I could allow someone to swing a sledgehammer square in the middle of my face and feel less pain.

I could have all my fingernails ripped out, one by one and feel less pain.

My head hurts so. fucking. bad right now. If I could take it off and put it in the freezer for approximately 7 hours, I just might start to feel a wee bit better.

Where's Dr. Kevorkian? I really need him to be here right now. And if you ever catch me thinking or suggesting that drinking a 10 ounce cup of Cuban coffee is a fantastic idea ever again, feel free to shoot me, that is, if my head doesn't implode before the night is over. Why I'm allowed out of the house in the morning without adult supervision I'll never know.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at August 5, 2005 09:15 PM | TrackBack