Nomen Est Omen

A Tale Of Roommates-Chapter One

(This post inspired by previous thoughts of roommates and by a blog pointed out to me by a reader which has now ceased to be updated.)

I no longer have roommates. In fact, until/unless I ever get married, I will never have a roommate again. The countless horrifying incidents I've endured have assured me that I'm making the correct decision. I could write a book about them all but I'm going to start with a list of things they have done. I'll start with "Mary". (Not her real name.)

1) "Mary" was so lazy and filthy that you could not, literally, see her floor. When you opened her door, you were greeted by a foul stench and as your eyes panned around, all you could see was what looked like the remains of a GoodWill truck throwing up all over her room. If you attempted to walk around in her room, you were doing so at your own risk as again, you could not see the floor and God only knows what you may step in or on causing you to twist your ankle, get a disease or infection.

2) Mary also liked to horde my dishes in her room until they were crusty and molded and then bring them out to the kitchen when it was my turn to wash the dishes.

3) Mary would take my one good cutting knife and keep it under her pillow, "just in case" an intruder broke in to the house. It didn't matter to her that there was a large dog residing there that barked at people who dared walk by the house on the other side of the street, no, it's much better to take the one knife in the house used to cut up vegetables and meats and stuff it under her skank ass pillow in her skank ass room. And it didn't matter how many fucking times I asked her not to do this, she would take it from the kitchen again after I had rescued it once more from the bowels of her shit hole, washed it, sterilized it, used it, cleaned it again and put it back in the fucking utensil drawer for future cuttings.

4) Mary would take long, long, long bubble baths. I'm talking hours. I'm talking, so damn long that you would find yourself having to use the facilities at some point during this and were subject to the "I have to go now before I explode" dance while pounding on the bathroom door, begging for her to show some mercy. It didn't matter if you went before she started her bath, (which I finally convinced her to start doing; asking me if I needed to use it first), because she was in there so damn long, the need would arise again. Do you have any idea what it's like to run around your backyard looking for proper concealment?

5) Mary ate garlic. A lot. She ate so much garlic that her breath would still reek of it two days later. Of course she always felt the need to talk to me about her friends at some point after eating the garlic and an entire pack of gum did not help the situation. I stopped trying to conceal my gagging and started flat out telling her that I could not be in the same room with her and talk to her because I was going to puke if she kept breathing.

6) Mary did not understand the concept of covering food in the refridgerator nor cleaning out said food when it had been in there for three or more weeks. I lost weight while living with her because countless times I would come home, starving, fling open the fridge and be met not only with the sight of mold growing in there but the smell...oh God the smell! It killed my appetite every single time.

7) Mary liked to fuck a lot too. And her fuck friend of the night never properly disposed of the condoms so one day, I walk into the backyard and find the dog puking up a used, dirty condom. Not only was this the height of disgusting, I got the pleasure of pointing it out to her to clean up lest the neighbors ever thought I was the pig. I also prayed and prayed that the dog wouldn't get sick because I really didn't want to go to the vet and explain what happened.

8) Mary set the stove on fire one night. It wasn't entirely her fault, I'll get to that roommate, but Mary, instead of grabbing the fire extinguisher and putting it out herself, ran up to my room to tell me what happened and made me put it out. Does Mary not understand how fast fire can spread? We had to open all the doors and windows and get us and the pets outside while the house cleared of smoke.

9) Because we worked in the same place and I had a car, Mary just naturally assumed that meant I was her chauffer. First it was just going to work. Then it was to the store. Then it grew to other requests. She never offered to pay any money for gas or parking and never once said "Thank You". When I told her she needed to start helping out or taking the bus, she threw a fit. Because I held the keys, she relented but it didn't stop her from complaining to everyone we knew what a rude bitch I was, apparently.

10) Mary killed the VCR. I don't know how she did it. She claims she barely touched it and the next thing she knew, it was broken. Of course she never offered to pay for a new one or even pay for half. It was my fault, you see, because I never taught her how to use a VCR. It didn't matter that the instruction booklet was placed neatly underneath it as I do with all my electronic equipment, it's my fault I didn't shove the book in her face and force her at gun point to learn it.

There are other things about Mary that irritated me, the crying, the excessive drinking, breaking into the house at 3am because she forgot her keys and scaring the living shit out of me and my dog, the thermostat turned up so high it would make satan sweat, etc. but most of it's just because I grew to despise her after awhile. However, believe it or not, she was the best roommate I ever had.

Posted by S. Faolan Wolf at June 18, 2005 06:30 AM